Saturday, December 6, 2008

Hip hop tours,Clarkson and Composer!


I had so many ideas for the blog this time that, one, I felt that i must be bleeding ideas dry and soon Ill have none left and, two, I created a blog idea folder on my phone cos theyre too hard to remember. So here we go, ten spin hits in a row (*whispers* ten spin hits in a row) ten spin.. WE KNOW!!!

1. Jeremy Clarkson is an arrogant prick.. but my gawd is he entertaining. With his witty puns, cynical comments and plain offensive interjections he entertains the face off you! If he can be famous for being arrogant then I think there is a carreer there for me...

2. Ticket inspectors on Bus Eireann?? Pointless...

3. Contrary to popular belief, Greasy hair does have some advantages over clean hair:

Greasy hair does not get itchy in hats as it has a layer of lubrication against the hat.

It is basically self styling and self holding. Fuck fructis hold or any of that, pure natural grease is unmovable and once you roll out of bed? well theres todays style.

You can have a badass mullet.

4. "I had women, wine, party time and everything that matters." A fantastic lyric about all everyone wants. Thank you Zutons!!

5. This leads me on to my next point. Recently I have found that the songs making it into the Irish carts contain absolutely terrible lyrics. A few examples should make my point clear:

Katy Perry, Hot n Cold reached number one: "someone call the doctor got a case of love bi polar stuck on a rollercoaster...your hot and your cold, yes no, hot cold hot cold hot..." This would have been witty and entertaining had it been about my shower but otherwise...

Akon, Right now: I wanna make up right now na na,I wanna make up right now na na,wish we never broke up na na na na na" STOP IT AKON OR ILL SMACK THAT!! BY THAT I MEAN YOU.
Basically Cop the fuck on Irish people.

6. Laptops are a college students best friend and worst enemy. When you need to do a project really quickly and they are there to add images and arrange things my gawd do you love them. But when you are trying to study and Internet explorer is open? Well you may as well forget it, what with bubbleshoter and all.

7. Did you enjoy Hop on Hop off tour buses? If so you will love Hip-Hop tour buses. "Wassup Niggaz? up on yo left fool is the hip the hap happening government buildings where they is trippn dawg! Aight Bitch I aint take no questions, read the bling girl! *shows bling saying I aint take no Questions!". ohh we can all dream...

8. I hate bus Eireann express buses mainly because they are not express, they save you no time and they just dont go through Jtown. And the driver?? Oh he has been marked for death what with his "no only naas!!!". The battle rages on..

9. *notes that 3rd person narrative conversations are entertaining*

10. My new fantasy (And no I am not revealing any other of my Fantasys) is to live in a Dutch windmill. Oh it would be just so Austrian and tranquil and Idyllic. Oh the sound of music of it all..

11.Oh My Flippin Gawd!!! Total Focking Nostalgia! Do you remember Composer on the old Nokia phones?On the old 3210 etc.? Using terrible pitch Ranges and tempo changes that no one fully understood you and your mate would sit around all day making beats. Then your more experienced street wide friend comes over and shows you how to make sandstorm and you feel bleedin rapih beacuse you have sandstorm as your ringtone! Then again that could just be the nostalgia of a Tallaght child..

12. Finally Winter is getting on my nerves!! It is becoming an epic battle between myself and the cold. It launches its attack with frost and icy winds and I defend myself with a barrage of scarfs, hats, gloves and jackets So i almost look like a lagging jacket but Damn it the wind always gets ya. Also I do not appreciate being made a fool off by icy ground.

13. Meteo*r have a star in their name for a reason. Its because of all the fucking Terms and conditions they have such as you may not make calls when you actually need to and may run out of free texts without being notified only to be left in the middle of nowhere with no lift..fuck meteor also.

Also I am considering getting tshirts printed with "fuck bus eireann" on the front and "I hate commuting on the back". Let me know if your interested (Note: Karl is not actually responsible for supplying,creating or actually doing anything regards the tshirts and may point out it was just a joke. Terms and conditions apply)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Begging,Obesity and fantastic sayings!

Well Kiddies its time for another grand look at the social scenes I observe everyday. Hit it DJ mad scone!

1. Internet Explorer Cannot Display The Page:

The most likely reasons for this are:

(a) Internet explorer is wayy too lazy to open the page for you.

(b) You are in a rush and Internet Explorer knows this therefore is trying to make you late.

(c) Your name is Karl Purcell and Internet Explorer simply doesnt like you

(d) You are trying to download Mozilla in order to delete Internet Explorer.

2. Why do Chineses always have a TV?

3.You know your getting fat when jiggling your thigh is a form of entertainment. There are also many other ways to know your getting fat such as using your stomach as a can holder and when your xxl tshirts are more like belly tops. But the thigh jiggle is by far the most shocking and stark.

4. I quite enjoy getting a seat to myself on the bus, to the extent that I have developed techniques to ensure I get a whole seat.

(a) There is the over used and not so effective bag gesture, by which you place your bag on the seat as if your bag needed a seat of its own.
(b) There is the angry look. To get the full effect you wait till you make eye contact with the other passenger and then look threatingly at them, they wont sit down now and if they do? well...
(c) One of the most effective but also effective at getting you kicked off is the crazy person look. If you sit in your seat and mumble things, proclaim some things louder than others, and rock back and forward you are guarenteed a seat..however your almost guarenteed to be pulled off by the guards...

5. This one goes out to the man listening to Master Of Puppets at full volume on the luas yesterday morning at 9 a.m. "MASTER!! MASTER!! WANKA!! WANKA!! Seriously save your ears and save my sanity and stop playing your music that loud. It is NOT sharing.

6. If one more begger asks more for money when im getting on the luas they will get an express journey tied to the bottom of the luas with their face exposed to the tracks.

7. This one is an oisin input (have to put this in for copyright issues in the future). Metro and Herald A.M girls that are hot, good job. If you can look hot in a massive blue or red bubble jacket then fair play.

8. Castlewarden is irrelevant.

9." A legend in his own lunch box". Probably the best comment made by a 35 year old customer about Rory Gallagher ever. Im not even quite sure what it means but I am going to use it as much as possible until it becomes one of those classic sayings like as bold as brass. Again makes no sense but people know what you mean.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Dangers of the modern newspaper boy..and BELGIUM LESBIANS!

Its true I did consider as taking the belgium lesbians as the picture for this one but you know...tastefulness and all that

1. The men and women who sell newspapers on your local motorways put their life at risk everday. The DANGER of walking up and down between angry motorists all day, think about it they are heroes. They must be pretty slick, "hey babe I work on the side of a motorway...i know sometimes I do get scared...I think you and me should go make the headlines" You just know thats what they do after work.

2. To continue on the subject of those who sell papers, they must be geniuses with super current up to date knowledge as they spend their life with papers in their hand. Its time we rerouted the knowledge economy, it is time for the rising of the NEWS VENDORS!!!! well actually they are all usually foreign and cant even read the paper so my theory may have a few flaws.

3. Something else really getting on my nerves lately is the fact that rappers cannot shut the fuck up!! Once they have rapped their little bit, instead of letting the singer get on with it they are

throwing uin "uhs, yeahs, whats, okays" at any given time.

4. Me getting on bus: Hey can I have a student return ticket please?

Bus Eireann driver: Student ID?

Me: Its right there.

Driver: Theres actually no student fare.

ME: hold on *takes out offer detailing student fares.

Driver: Machine is broke.

Me: Prick(whispered)..whatever

Bus Eireann you have finally crossed the line. Just you wait until I make a remake of the film Speed but for real with a bus full of your drivers and directors just you wait...

5. Lately I have been having some pretty disturbing thought processes. I need to clarify before I start that I didnt and wouldnt do any of them and secondly I have common sense.

(a) Sitting on the bus on the way home beside a typical office working 30 or so woman I began to think hmm I could just slap her iif I wanted to. She wasnt annoying me or anything. I thought yeah I could just raise my hand and slap her one. I thought about it for a second and then stopped and realised what I had just considered. Scary though.

(b) In Cineworld on the top floor I considered the idea of jumping over the railing to the bottom floor. Not in a suicidal way just thinkning that the only thing actually stopping me was a tiny part of brain called common sense. It was a scary thought, what would happen if one day I just didnt consider it.

Anyway the point of this is that spending too much time commuting on your own makes you way too introspective and probably would drive you insane.

6. IMPORTANT IRISH VERB(never thought id write that): Ag Sioba= drifting. Oh yes! Chuamar go dti ag sioba. Buachailli!!!!

7. I now unfortunately consider myself a Halo nerd. I came third in a couple of deathmatches in college against proper halo nerds so...

8. Liking the Ting Tings is shameful but they are just so damn funky.

9. This blog is very serious....PENIS!!

10. Pot Luck is a savage film. However UCD French teachers dont know how to market it right to students. "oh you should come along it will improve your french" Cue the empty lecture hall. What they should have said "cmon its a film about an uptight student taking up smoking pot and has Belgium Lesbians." That is how you market a film baby!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Jtown moments that are now to be cemented into Internet immortality!!

I usually dont have the title of the blog befor I write it but this was an exception and so you are guarenteed that this post will be off the wall!! (see what i did with the pun on wall there eh eh?
were gonna kick it off in chronological order but I imagine that will have been lost by number two or three. Not that anyone will really notice...anyway on with the blog!!

1. Me skating round the estate extremly fast on his skateboard with his jacket blowing behind him trying to get the attention of Bryan and farrell.

2. This happened the first time sean and I ever met
Sean: Hi my name is sean. What the crack man?
Karl: Hi im karl. im gay....
sean: oh....ok....

3. The first two xmas's we spent in the town of J it snowed, this lead to multiple events of hilarity.
A. Myself and Oisin ran around to Kellys and were throwing snowballs when in the distance we heard the annoying hum of Shanes moped."The smell of burberry is thick in the air" I said. We took our positions behind the wall,aimed and hit the guy on the front and the guy on the back of the moped with snowballs.Classic.
B. Bryan and Paul saw the little kids making their little snowman.They waited...they had all the time in the world. Then as the kids finshed it off and went inside for a minute they made their move. Paul smashing the head in of the snowman as if it was a scumbag followed by bman kickin the body of the snowman to a pulp. You dont mess with the Harris's.
C. The whole posse was having a snowball fight in my front garden when as always I went to far and got bryan in the face with an iceball. Bryan chased me down and after some skilful eeling by me he pushed me and i fell staright on my face. that particular fall went down in history.

4. The days of skating woodies with the big gaffer!!

5. Sean climbing the scaffolding at woodies and having to drop 14 feet only to sketch it.

6.The posse cycle myself oisin and bryan went on just after getting to know one another out to Jeffs house. Ah that was all haha yeah i dont know you guys but like this is cool.

7. Oisin being introduced by his mother like a kid who has no friends in a playschool. Im sorry ush that was just hurtful..

8. Bryans neighbour..what a dick!

9. Bushjumping in the dead of night from the back of the estate all the way out of the estate that was a gauntlet.

10.Me and Bryans epic 300 recreation using old crappy pearl cymbals. THIS IS JOHNSTOWN!! I was equipped with a filthy persian knife and a longbow...Bryan on the other hand had a baseball bat.So yeah I took some long range shots and got him nicely as well as epic blocking with his cymbal shield but in close quarters bryan just whacked me with the bat and that was me finished.

11. Urban destructo ball wth ush, always a luagh and always DESTRUCTIVE!!

12.Oisin nearly dying from malnutrition and over training..that was only really funny in retrospect..

13. doing seans homework in the scum mobile.Me and the sean just siting in the back of the scum mobile chatting and solving 2nd year maths equations.

14. The scum mobile coming out and hunting sean like some kind of stazi patrol vehicle. It would park on the green and dispatch an elite team of small children specially trained to hunt sean (i.e his brothers and sisters).

15. Me and bryan snook sean out of his when he was grounded with an ingenious plan.
Sean: This is ridicoulous, this will never work!
Karl and Bryan: Shut up and get in the whellbarrow of course it will work.
We then put our jackets over sean in the wheelbarrow and rolled sean down the street whistling as if whistling made it less obvious.

16. Bin of wonder!! Leaving oisin at someones door in a wheelie bin only to ring the door bell and runaway. Up pops oisin at the persons door.!hilarious.

This could go on forever now that I think of it because there is 4 years worth of material..but we shall go to 25.

17. We have many accents over the years. I mean loads:
A. Engling: Oi mate bring the baas there oiiii!!
B. Scanger: Scarle' for ya chicken! douvi'
C. Deco: Ah yeah f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fine machine!
D. Unknown: down the stow oh yeah get some of that into yahhh up the yard!
E. Wigga: What you playin at fool?
F. Mc Hawking: gta 3 is like the sims to me, a real life simulator cos thats where id be

18. Singing and quoting flight of the conchords and mc hawking at any possible moment.

19. Bryan and oisin coming home from amazing holidays full of adventure...and then telling you nothing for months.

20. Sean: I had it out for ages.......big yellow gates.

21.Running up the matrix hill outside jtown gardens humming some generic stunt music.

22. Playing footy with the latvians and havin martin and janis destroy us everytime.

23. Janises going home party. Heart breaking and full of emotions but the best fun i think I have ever had. Running around tying people up in tissue paper,dancing in the kitchen, footy at like on the green waking up brenda donoghue.

24. 360 flipping the 3 set!!!!haha

25. Doing ridicoulously stupid things in centra is just part of how we spend time in jtown. Here are some examples:
A. Dancing in the aisles to the horrible choice of music that centra always have.
B. Getting free ice cream from seanie or getting anything free. Or in some cases just plain stealing like the pick and mix is just to easy.
C. Stealing cosmo and finding out that oisin is a Cosmo dick which in recent times has been proven time and time again.
D. Playing with the toys they have in there, that was classic.
E. In the early days buying callipos and chilling in front f centra on their tables with tim buying us loads of free shit.
F. My favourite centra moment though was when me an oisin got on my gas mask and pumkin head mask and went in and scared the shit out of time. He nearly pressed the panic button when he saw us.

26. Being uber schmad in Seans, just like the english accent thing does this make us actually mad now?

Good Times!!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

One liners, Tv liscences and as always commuting!

Commuters out there, you all need to take a crash course in logic!

1. The luas, for the record, is not actually a record breaking attempt to see how many people you can squash into a confined area. I felt that I actually had to clarify this after my recent experience. "oh look theres hardly any room on that luas..ah sure i could fit in there". When people are oiling themselves up to try and slip onto the luas you know its too packed, just get the next one!!

2.College basketball is as hard as they make it look in all great American Films.

3. I'd love to meet the T.V liscence inspector and try and think of an excuse he hasnt heard. It Would be epic, Karl Vs. Faceless Government inspector on top of mount vesuvious. I would battle him with ridicoulous excuses such as "I had one but then i shoved it up the last inspectors hole!!". Then we would battle with those gladiator poles over the volcanoe...These are just things I think of when I hear that ad.

4. Fanta Exotic is like travelling to a tropical island in your mouth...but then you get to the end of it and see the chemical scum on the bottom of the bottle, so its more like going to a tropical island where chemical waste is dumped...Still damn tasty though.

5. some girl in college said I sound american. Geez guys I dont sound like totally American do I?

6. I have now compiled a Kidnapping list (with the help of ash). Below is that list with the reason for kidnapping:

1. Rise against: Damn their infectious anger punk is just handy to have whenever you want it.

2. Horatio Caines Glasses: In an ideal situation I would kidnap Horatio himself but then i thought for a second and realised that he would just arrest with me with a slick line and id never get away with it.

3. Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley: For interesting mudfights and extravagant entrys to parties with them on both arms. ( in fairness to ash she had nothing to do with this one).

4. Flight of the conchords: Imagine instant humour, they make it a possibility.

7. One of my most recent and favourite country type one liners I thought of is: "Just like Ruby Walsh, I dont ride losers!"

8. My phone broke while writing this blog. Why does every techonological thing I touch just break? I am like a human computer virus.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Debs,college and pop culture!

Im just going to mention at the start of this that im very tired as I was at the debs last night so some, if not all, of this may make no sense.

1. The debs is kinda like a 1970's glam rock band. Very shiny and fancy on the outside, but inside theres just way too much drink and drugs.

2. DCU is a concrete metropolis. It is the opposite to grassy UCD in this way. The nurses building needs to get new doors though cause god damn it it is annoying to try and fit 30 people through a revolving door quickly.

3. Club "rapture" in Enfield is a small hip new nightclub attached to the hamlet court hotel. The strange thing is the place is quite cool and the lighting effects kick ass but then you remember you are in Enfiled. Like what is is doing there? I can imagine old farmers poppin in after a hard days labour to let loose, breaking it down in their magee tweed jackets and caps knocking back the baby guinness.Ahhhh yeahhh!!!

4. "Chris brown chhris brown chris brown, i am ,i am, chris brown. Love me like I love you baby girl yeeeeeaaahhh no yeah no yeah no" Thats pretty much the lyrics to any chris brown song.Repetitive lyrics about a girl with a couple of fancy high notes to get the ladies.Him and that neyo chap should just be locked in a warehouse and left to battle to the death with only over the top dance moves and repitive lyrics.

5. A new thing I have discovered now in college life is of course the having to make new friends part. Its great!! But what I find really funny about it all is that after talking for a while with a new friend there is always a period of awkward silence. Its like hmm what do we talk about next? But maybe if I bring topic cards that wouldnt happen...hmmm...

6. Its gotten to that time of year yet again. When you leave your hands exposed out of your pocket or sleeve for even a minute they are fuckin freezin! That tyoe of arthritis freeze where you cant move your hands properly and playing playstation becomes impossible.

7. Pouring hot water on ridicously cold hands just means you cant feel it burning you, its not helping!!

8.standing on the luas is by far one of the most difficult things to do without looking like a retard. Every time it stops, BAM you get jerked into the window or just kinda fall on someone. Then youve got them revoliving pieces which I reckon the engineers put in just to put you off balance and again cause you to look idiotic!

9. We must come to the conclusion that some engineers are just sadists.

10. again I want to stress my love for the metro. Its provsion of free entertainment and excellent random facts means that even you can impress the taxi manby telling HIM shit he didnt know.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I wish the word quavers still only meant crisps to me...

Man learning drums actually is a bitch, playing by ear is so much easier thean counting your bars and beats and crotchets and quavers and...oh gawd...

1. Wales is essentially Ireland. Think about it...its got crappy uphill twisty roads, lots of greenery but nothing to actually do. The only difference is that everyone has a picture of christian bale in their wallet in a heart shape frame and loves randonmly screaming CYMRU!!! Also when it rains it rains in biblical proportions.

2. Irelands rain is very confused. Kind of like a gay man who are you a "woman" who likes men or are you just a man liking men??..light rain...ohhh heavy flooding rain...ohh sunny ah we got you not really its still drizzling.Damn rain.

3. I need a really good salesman to sell me the idea that commuting for 2 hours to dcu every day is going to be a good idea..well any salesmen willing to take up the challenge? Note: I will only accept offers from salesmen dressed in cheap tweed jackets with a smoking pipe in their massive white teeth (like in the movies!!)

4. I think ill get myself a cageman hairstyle cos as we all know the mullet thats hasnt been washed in a while is now back in fashion.

5. If you want a uniform for your son or daughter please dont come in on the day before school starts at closing time and the give out to me because inevtiably I will suddenly run out of your childs size.

6. Laptop advice: Never ask for any!

7. Subways new deal is the subcard.Very glossy and a nice wallet filler certainly. To get a free sub you must have 1000 points.Every euro is 10 points (ok here comes the technical part) now 1000 divided by 10 is 100. so thats 100 euro for a free sub. now 100 euro worth o sub is roughly 14 footlong subs. Now that is twice my height in subs and two days that stage i dont think id want a sub....damn that was some calculations i think a need a suub..

8. The Hss stena line sure is a motherflipin testosterone fueled manyl shop of death. However the "lynx"while doing an impressive 38 knoths per hour is also impressivey gay. Oh llok at me im the stenal lynx im so small and so gay, i Just love having all these sailors on me at the one time. It was that gay that I had to christen it... FAGGOT SHIP!

9. Crunch fitness is by far th mot over the top place I have ever been in. I mean dico balls over the treadmill?like ok the moonwalk is a dance and exercise but.. ah who am i kidding its juts 'uckin ridicoulous.

10. I wish lemonade would be cheaper!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Journeys,smells,and good literature.

So here we go here we go now. Bringing it back in for a funky bumpy new edition. This shit is more respectable then Barrack Obama!

1. The "10 reasons to date a..*insert social group or sport*" things to need to get more inventive. They need to move away from the usual innuendos of "were used to scoring". So here we go:

10 reaosns builders are gay:

    1.They are used to holding big tools. many tools are penis shaped. The jackhammer? the pneumatic drill? should i go on..

    3. They are used to being overly perverted. Such as feeling the need to read page 3 and then discard the paper. Reading nuts in the crane. We cant see you up there but we know you are..anyway this sprouts from a need to hide the fact they are actually gay!

    4. they work hard and they play hard.

    5. the point is lists, of these nature are shit and full of crap.. and ten is actually quite difficult!!

2. The journey to naas from the town of J is about 3km but it has the most diverse smellogphry the world has ever seen. Smellogrphy is like topogrophy but with smells. The word was neccesary ok!! Anyway in this 3km stretch there are four distinct smells. The first is not very noticeable its just one of those nice country air smells, quite pleasant.  Then we move in to the nasty smell of capitalism which is the concrete dankness of.. well yes the concrete factory. Followed swiftly by the smell of what can only be identified as raw sewage or cooking dog food which is more likely from the nearby dog food factory. Finally as you enter Naas you get a smokey nasty smell. Journeys to Naas therefore can be done blindfolded but I really wouldn't recommend it.

3. For some reason I sweat in the exact same place on my cycle to work. It doesn't matter what kind of weather it is, what clothes im wearing or what antiperspirant im wearing it just happens!! So to all you big shot antiperspirants out there who claim to stop such  events bring it on. Im the perfect test subject!

4. I'm sure the jamboree is good if your a scout but otherwise...

5.  Burning of the brands is a definate must read. Especially for all the little D4s who would die without their brands, this book will teach you to grow up and get a life.

6. Je pense que la television est mal pour la sante. Some things drilled into my head from the big LC will never leave.

7. Dreams of infidelity are quite interesting.

8. Again just to say that Bulmers advertising is amazing !!

9. Free "samples" of m and s white cookies..ohh you simple and naive bakers.."ill just have a little bit more, i'm still unsure" *said with mouthful of coookie*

One of the self service machines in Tesco keeps breaking down every time i' in the store. You would think they would fire it or call it in for a meeting at this stage:

manager: so A015 you have repeatedly refused to work each day this week whenever you saw fit. What should I do? huh?
A015: Please remove item from belt.
Manager: What?? Now you want me to do work for you? I'm going to have to choose from one of our disciplinary measures...
A015: Please select one of the following options or choose from Favourites.
Manager: Are you mocking me??? Are YOU??? *storms out of office*
A015: Thank you for shopping at Tesco, please come again.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Nokia Update Version 3.0

1. Batmin is fantastic especially when spelled and pronounced like that. The joker is just too slick of a criminal, like talk about glorifying crime!!

2. The people of Limerick who have received the flash floods are the victims of a plague from god! Bad things happen to bad people.( I guarantee you such things will be found in the sunday mirror and the star.) I should probably point out that this is satirical so I dont end up in a ditch in the mountains somewhere.

3. I have recently started collecting other peoples music on my phone via the beautiful but strangly named bluetooth technology. Its sort of an enlightening experience in that I end up listening to things I usually wouldnt listen to. I was going to ask random people on the street but I thought against it in the end, Who knows what emo crap you could get these days.

4. By the way everybody our friend Mark Ronson, you know "black and gold black and..incessant repeating of black and gold" actually didnt write the song beacues in fact its a hit from the 80's. I just have to take him down a notch the cocky white suit stealing bastard.

5. Dad: Go over and ask Denise does she want a go of your drums.
Me: What?? you want me to ask your friends middle aged wife who I dont know does she want a go of my drums?"
Dad: Yeah? Why? is that weird or something?

6. Mistress mable!! mistress mable SHUTUP!!! Shit song and its just a copy and paste riff of the kooks. Damn you copycat shitness.

7. The difference between a radio frequency of twenty is incredible. On rte 1 you get shitty old men talking about plants and how weve never had it so good you damn rapscallions and such things, while on Rte 2 ur gettn funky beats, pop singalongs and half decent presenters who actually dont make you want to sleep.

8. Thanks to fiona lack of caravan! only joking!!

9. I dont usually do this but this time its neccesary. I am just so deadly whopper bhoyz shmad out of it.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Ah Mary the pants are falling off the economy!!

The main issue in this blog is a warning going out to everyone about a film that goes by the name of The Southland Tales. If you value your sanity or just dont wanna feel like ur brain was just raped then do not watch it DO NOT!!

1. "I'm A pimp and pimps dont commit suicide" I should explain this in case its ever used as part of a smear campiagn if I run for president.. The southland tales seemed to emphasise it then again the film has no point.

2. Gawd stop bringing out Will ferrell movies. Will Ferrell in hilarious sporting situation, Will ferrell in slightly more crude sports comedy, Will Ferrel in another potentially funny situation but with same jokes as aforementioned sport types. Just stop.

3. And so I launch my stop Will Ferrell from destroying his credibility campaign. STOP!!! Every three seconds Will ferrell makes a clone comedy movie. Please donate gernerously and lets see some diversity.

4. Strawberrys and cream as posh as they maybe are fucking delicious!! like omg they are focking amaaazing.

5. To all of the joe soaps out there debating our current economic crisis I offer you an ultimatum.
Go and become an economist with some credibility or SHUT UP!!!! I cannot stand people in the post office such as mary and nancy from just past the shop there debating the ins and outs of our economy. "ahh mary sure they dont know what its like, they have never had it as bad as we did, and sure people still have to but houses mary it will bounce back, its all a cycle you see" "ah your right nancy, sure house prices were over inflated like a balloon about to burst you know". Like well done you watch the news and can repeat it in a post office but please fuck off telling me how to solve the latest economic crisises and cliaing us young uns cat and wont handle it. This is a sensitive issue for me..

6. On a similar note post office television news is ridicously vague to the extent of making itself pointless. For example a headline read " company loses 1 billion" no joke. like what company? Where? why? 1 billion what? Its essentially like saying "man dies". Way too vague mate.

7. Chicken balls are good shit!

8. And heres the last point of this weeks installment (by the way this blog is not weekly they are written spoaridaically) I got a new phone and damn is it smooth. To all of you out there with a nokia 5300 (bit of advertising kerching) *similar phone high 5.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The chemically named festival and kstyling

I'm aware that these blogs will appear everywhere such as "ohh oxegen was so good" and "quotes from oxegen" but oh well ill confirm my own sterotype.

1.Oisin and myself were lying in our tent talking shit at about half three in the morning but definately not able to sleep when we heard a gentleman remark "ya fecking pelican". Quotes such as these are senseless yet priceless. Thus confirming my belief that eavesdropping drunk people is justified just to hear the shit they come up with. Press x to eavesdrop and complete mission (thats for you ushbag).

2. The Zutons may just be my new big band of the month....not that i usually have a big band of the month or anything but you know.. also they have a sexamaphone i.e a hot saxist!!

3. The prodigy are old man!! they is some angry poppin grandads "where are my irish voodoo people?where are my irish brudas?". God damn prodigy shut up and get on with ur repetitve laptop beats (space bar,spacebar,spacebar,shift,remix)

4. For a skanky three piece pop band Sugababes had some mosh!! If youve ever wondered why women are second class citizens well then just have a look at the sugababes and youll understand. IN particular the video for Push the button.

5. I am personally starting a campaign against the way that sardines are packed too tightly in their tins after the kings of leon cos I know just how they feel.

6. Karl* sets up oisin with nice looking nordy girl as he is a skillful wingman*
Oisin: *kindly accepts and dances with her*
Nordy girl:* attempts to score oisin*
Oisin* dodges skillfully*
Karl: man why did you do that?
Oisin: I thought she was fat man! she felt pudgy.
Karl: But she wasnt, what do you need, to measure her waist size??

7. Rage against the machine are so good at the whole live thing...fuck it....AMAZINGGG!!!!!

8.Tents are sweatboxes!!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Stoner sessions in my front garden.

Hopefully my catchy title has got your attention with people saying such things as "ohh bit of drugs" and the like.

1. Watching clouds go by while listening to the kooks can have varied results. Here is the thought process I had.... "hmm that kinda looks like a girraffe, wait no more of a mushroom ohh that is a cool mushroom, and theres a tree woah it looks like theres a panther on it there, woah!!!that cloud looks really like it is an actual plane!". Anyway cloud watching is a definaate for killing an hour in my opinion.

2. People should really stop going on about oxegen on msn and bebo. We know its on, its mass advertised, I have my ticket just stop going "OXEGEN IN 5 DAYS 10 HOURS AND 3 MINS 5 SECS, 10 MILLISECS. ME TOO?" yes me too but I dont need to publically declare the fact.

3.You might wanna take a receipt cos that might just be too funky for you. I thought that up today and if I ever get into a funk band im gonna write more of those ridicoulous nfunkliners. Like hmm I dunno you might collapse its quite funky.

4.Working at the docks for Jimmy.

5. I think it would be quite funny to start engaging in small talk with the self service machines in tesco and when someone says "excuse me what are you doing?" just ignore them and say to the machine "can you believe this guy?"

6. Its amazing how a three day long festival can completely take over a town.Its like a norman invasion or something. By this I mean how Oxegen dominates Naas like a fatcat with a fetish for not being in control as he is normally everyday. Apparently when oxegen is on Naas becomes the 5th largest town in Ireland!

7. Unlike Kill chipper, m and s white cookies never get old ..ghroom*morphs into cookie monster*

8. The Mr.Men books should be a new form of religion. They preach morals but without the whole bullshit of the old testament and Mr.Bump's accident prone lifestyle proves to be quite amusing hmm yes quite *smokes cigar in a smoking robe*

9. I dont usually get to number 9.

10. Mardec seriously needs a purchasing manager because managing stock here is like playing tetris.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Things that dont actually matter

1.your positon on peoples top 16.most likely like mine its just howeva bebo arranges it anyway why the hell does it matter?lack of self esteem?lack of actual awareness to know if someone likes you?get real!

2.your profile views.again for fucks sakes are actually that insecure that you need the reassurance of a number to boost your confidence? your hair looks(killian!!!!!)god kil it doesnt matter.hehe only joking had to get it in there though.


5.bus eireann time tables.the bus will be late rgardless of how many differnt time tables you check.if you ring up to complain youll conviniantly find that the whole complaints department are on vacation.also the bus drivers are deliberately late as they are just dikheads

6.if you specify no spit in your abrakebabra.theyll do it anyway.

7.where you buy your gawd like it doesnt matter if they are from pennies or heatons like cmon would you rather pay 500 euro for a nike tracksuit from arnotts or get it for 5 in heatons?anyway most mad douva pricey tracksuits are bought in town behind the ilac centre for a fiver of two old sketchy hags. many x's you put in a text:apparently in my friends school there are actually rules about how many x's u put in a wat?not only is this retarded and downright crazy but the people that follow them....where are their own minds?hooked up to the shepard no doubt..3 x's mean u like them a ig x then a small x then a big one is gay?how i dunno...and more then 10 is obsessive.ohn yeahh hitting the x button witout looking thats obsessive...god retards!!

Ive even grown to like karl

well yes everyone will have one and yes its done to death but here are the kickest of all ass quotes from sweden hooooraaahhh!!!

Dan and Will:thanks alot bjorn you were a ledgend.Bjorn:yes i like you alot too dan and will you are good skier....i have even grown to like karl.

Me:evil overlord bjorn of slope verdromen.

sean:lads look!we got a bible!all:awwww its the new testement

Conor:that was a good shower woops left my flip flops in thereLiam:did you leave your balls in there aswell?

at the quiz..q9:what is the smallest bone in the body
Me:lukes penis ohhhhhhhhhq

2:what is aracnophobia a fear of?
all:a fear of iraq americas got it ohhhhhh

our team name was test-icicles hehe

everyone nextdoor was making noise so we sent conor to sort it out...
Me:go on conor go and make them shutup be a man
sean:yeah go beat someone up
conor: ohh fine then*knock knock*
conor: oh my god will you like shut the fuck up!(said in gayest conor voice)

me:wow swedens economy is run by 30 people!

all:my gawd all they do is cut down trees,mine,eat mcdonalds and drive volvos!

mr.d:how many religion teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?all:how many?mr.d:100, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 99 to share the experience

dave: ok now we will yump.
Me:wat the fuck?
dave:yump...*points at ski jump*
all:you mean jump dave...muppet

29 people on a ski slope:woah black betty bam a lam woah black betty bam a lam

dan,will,sean and I:and ill have a small,a SMALL chocolate shake as im tyrn to watch my figure

janine and racheal:karl ill give you 500 krona to dance on miss kelly

Me at the disco:do the snowplough!!!

what a cool ass country and the best trip ever!!

OMG its gone too far

for f sake man abbreviaitions have gone too far.
I can live with ttyl and btw mayb even gtg but bmb?WHAT THE FUCK IS BMB??????

here are some of my assumptions:

1.Bananna my bebo? why not its raonnndom enuf for the little thicks.

2.bum my bak? well that was just to be prvocative

3.bushy male behind?well it is funny my babez? theres more "lingo" i hate. hunz bunz love yaz over use of z'z cos they feel neglected from lak of actual use.chikn?wtf!!!!but it was brought to my attention that it means bebo me back which is even sadder my gawd i t it time 4 me to kl myslf ttyl gtg brb omg bmw aib etc. even etc. is a fuckin abbrev.
Im aware this is very similar to the formerly critically acclaimed masterpiece that was bryans blog but since ush and sean reckon im just a copy of bryan i decided thats its ok for me to have one...

If you listen to Jimi hendrix while commuting it feels like an episode of becker.

Do you remember blind date?remeber that show where minging englings went on tv for the chance of winning a holiday (usually to alicante or some other sweaty beer fest island) and just acted really slutty to get the person to pick them?man that was a great show.the height of tv entertainment because when theyve picked their minger the show puts two models in replacement of the other mingers and the look of dissapointment was alwyas priceless..."wait you mean one of them was rachael hunter?but my first question was are you rachael hunter and i got a no"then oh yeah im not done here.the couple come back from their holiday and cilla would bear her chompers(which looked like the ones u wind up and chatter) and say "well love how did you get on?" the guy would always dig the chik out of sheer lack of self esteem and a chance at love and then the private camera would reveal the girl saying "yeah he was a real nice guy,more of a friend though" "did u enjoy it though?" "well i slept with two other guys so yeah" then the camera switched to the guys face and a slow motion pic would show his heart breaking.CLASSIC! orrr u get the guy who pretends to not care and once he thinks the cameras off starts to tear the place apart with cilla miocking him to get him to go on..and finally youd have cilla ask "well did yous kiss" and both would kinda llok awkward and stare at their shoes like 12 year olds and say yeahhh...cue the awwww....great great entertainment

youll notice that differnt songs provide different results while tea making.this kinda ended u as an experiment for me so ill present it in that form

Title: To prove that funky ass beats of different natures are directly proportional to change in tea making


Rage aginst the machine: results in large tea spillage and burns from extreme head bopping

The kooks:Increase moral and ensure sugars are remembered

The chemical brothers:increase productivity due to fast beats.

Pink floyd: slows tea making by 500% because of prog nature and general slowness.

My chemical romance:no tea as it results in suicide.

one of my new ironys is that i saw a curves (gym) bench at every turn in wicklow.surely they should be encouraging you to walk not sit no?

Bus drivers are unneedfully suspicious. ME: one childs ticket please!Driver: what age are you?date of birth?last thing you ate etc.

Muse are actually ok...

The metro is a fantastic source for chat up lines and bar i read today that eh a man ate 4000 loolipops for a world record!who doest want to hear that?thats just impressive!

I love sprite ads but i dont like the drink is this effective advertising or not?

why do people put full stops afer question marks?theres one attached at the bottom

spaghetti is a slippy demonWhats the plural of luas?racing the bus is a satisfying feeling!

Excercise actually puts me in a good ood looks like im not a fat man in a skinny mans body after all

People use smilies too much to convey emotion..ever think of using them ancient symbols with meanings? thats words im on about.

daft punk maybe stoners and general wasters but hey if they can make funky ass jams like that then hand me a joint and ill quit my job..

fitlinxx: the one pc that doesnt make u fat.

the difference in food quality by two euro is incredible.

You know your food is cheap when it can defy gravity and when ur mash potatoes are actually liquid.

Skirts cause wayyyyy too much hassle for the common joe soap
Sorry for the pretentious title but the new front page of bebo has influenced me.

What the hell man when did capitilisn get so cool?Im aware of the ironic paradox of writing a blog about bebo sellign out on bebo but ah fook it.

Since when did bebo get so in your face , so look look look at our cool advertisements.Since when did bebo know what was hot and been able to tell us whats cool and whats hot.The whats hot and whats not type columns belong in shitty girl teen mags like kiss written by 23 year old bimbo journalists that just couldnt make it..mainly due to their lack of competence in the whople jourbalism area so they join kiss and make their own stories sorry they are real rumours yeah....

Bebo used to make fuuny litttle jokes like could take one second two three...remember that?cos it sure seems a million years ago what with now the whats in section and so on.Likeit was pretty clear that bebo had sold out and gotten dare i say it a little greedy?when they had nuts tv. "this aint no porn site" remember?bebo clearly im not opposed to nuts no straight man is but to sell out from a clean site of fun to a yeaah weel do it for a certain figure type site just aint cool.

The new black and red stand off the page front page which resembles something a yuppy "budding" marketing student would design is horrible cold and plain in your face compared to the first bebo modest skin.

ON top of this the whole kate modern thing FUCK was never goin to take off well not with people that actually had a ming...gahhh thats my new rant over.BUY IT NOW BUY IT NO or dont i dont care im just enjoying rippin it out of bebo...

the time of the gay

there is a jtown saying that goes by the name of being gay(oisin 13:4)im afraid the dark day of gay is upon us where sean has a maith,where oisin actually studies and where the bman is growing up and gettin all 20s on are ass.i cant say much better for myself what with the leaving cert.anyway the posse is stronger than that heres hoping that natural order will eliminate the gay and only slik ass mo fos will remain

Many new the discovery has been made

1. Exams bring out the worst in scangers. *plop sound* making such sounds in the middle of your maths paper just isnt a sign of intelligence. The only maths that apllys to scangers is the probability that they will live of the dole. probability = 1. yes i made a maths joke.

2. If you want your film to be nominated fro some oscars there are some pretty easy steps to follow:a) your film must contain large periods of silence. They say it provokes thought in the audience. I say they just couldnt find enough deep words to fill the script with.b) a character who has some kind of problem with his dad. I dont know why but oscar judges love the whole "i didnt get on with my father thing" just like physcholigists.c) an evil villain evryone hates..although i love the villain there so much cooler.d) other general arty shit such as camera angles.....oh and mexicans!!

3. CLOVERFIELD: a film so devastating so badly filmed it makes people sick. The monster is quite funny looking though. rawwwrr im gonna destroy the city!!! why monster? where is all this anger coming from?maybe he too had poblems with his father.

4.If you leave money in your pocket it will get spentIsnt it so annoying when you go into a shop and just buy shit you dont even need just cause you have money? damn you flashy advertising

5.its almost cheaper to have a sex change and pay female insurance than to try and pay male insurance! not that i would consider a sex change...

6. Have you been fatally wounded? dont sweat. All you need is a nice check shirt. yes thats right a check shirt can keep any wound closed, support a broken arm and even cure the common cold. Shocking but amazing noe the less.

7. Germans actually have a sense of humour. I watched a german tv program the other day about germans dropping eggs from great heights and chuckling to themselves. Maybe ive got it wrong though maybe they were carrying out important research?

8. There are too many zumo spin off companies. You can now get the healthiest smoothie from over 10 different juice bars. Not all of them are the best so someones gotta be lying

9. Retro songs are by far the coolest.all this new music shit..well its shit. today youve got a few types of music. Shitty pop which relies on the artist being in the tabloids everyday to make it.Singer song writer one hit wonders.and of course fucking gay love shit like shane ward

Positivo with il divo

The name actually has nothing really to do with the blog but whateva minga!!Yeah so its time for a feel good hit of the summer blog full of sunshine and sea! I got up this morning(when i wake up in the morning when..and the sunlight burns my eyes) and it was really sunny and i had to cycle to work but during my journey I found enlightment like Buddha under the tree maaan. Fooka you leaving cert. Yeah i went there.OMG thats too serious too joke about.NO MATE!!! its not. The leaving cert is like a ham and cheese sandwich, everyone can have one some people have better ones. Its not even a delicacy but when you tpast it and the cheese melts mmmmm. wait now im sidetracking but anyway. Sun sun sun and fun fun. no more study thank you very much ill do it when it rains and come summer ill forget it all anyway woooSo FOOKA YOU Leaving Cert.

Bebo adding something useful no way?

but yes yes they have.somehow they actualy thought about what people needed instead of useless self adding applications. im talking about mobile bebo.its bebo without the shit.some argue that bebo= shit and therefore bebo- shit= 0 but nt tis amazed i realy am.psp blogs they are the future my friends... p.s i knw i write too many blogs

No inspiration leading to inspiration?sylvia plath style

At this stage even i myself am starting to doubt whether or not i can actually come up with new things to write but hey here are some recent discoveries:
1.For an area with a population demographic of mainly 35 to 75 johnstown has two burnt down buildings, two abandoned houses, a plastic bag manufacturer and an ancient church. This was at least mildly entertaining.oh and i forgot the best part recently jtown got its first resident ostrich(see next point).
2. It seems there is nothing money cant buy, food during a famine, water in the dessert and now an ostrich in jtown. What astounds me most is the fact that an ostrich has actually no practacality as an animal or pet apart from being a sign of ridicoulous wealth or in Mansfields case, trying to make a golf course a playboy mansion.
3. Kill chipper is geting old.
4.OHH YEAH again forgetting ostrich related details.About ten minutes from the town of the J there is an ostrich farm. You may see this as an explanation for point two really. Funny thing is more people are employed in jtown by ostrich farming then by centra currently.theres a fact for you!
5. Sylvia Plath was simply misunderstood. She used to be cool.She used to be funny actually at one point of her life she was a comedian. However one night after a particulary harsh crowd Plath was walking home only to walk under thirteen ladders followed by thirteen black cats. Unfortunately the rain of bad luck that ensued such as being drive by milkshaked and it turning out to be her husband and his new bird resulted in Plath becoming an eternal pessimist.
6. Talking loudly on the phone about the play Othello can make you appear quite racist.
7.Advice for a goalkeeper: buy massive inflatable gloves.
8. Baz:*takes really good penalty*Dalton:*dives very slowly for ball,very slowly*Ger: Ah cmon the Titanic went down faster than that.
9. One may see these blogs a s a form of diary.well im here to tell you who think such, shutup and dont tell anybody.
10.Party in oisins mobile in co.Wicklow this summer for anyone who wants to come. just dont tell oisin its a suprise.
11. Buy it now. at only 10.95 its a steal. yes thats right the motorbikes first ashtray.hury hurry hurry. Ads such as these are just purely offensive to peoples intellligence.
12. And finally a big word up to my dawgs at Honda. There idea of creating live and exciting ads such as the parachute jump ad is genious.Bringing fun back to advertising. Publicity stunts are a yes in my book

Big bad bitchn blog bonanza

Well now that the leaving cert is over its time for yet another installment.
(i dont know why I bother writing it like that as if people read these *crys with self pity*)
ok i have pulled my self back together im fine really im fine..
1. Grey's anatomy: the lab results are back and indeed it is a pile of shit. on top of the fact that its a terrible rip off of another dire doctor drama(alliteration) that being ER its just ridicoulous. sometimes I wish the writers of such shows would have a stroke and then go to hospital and find out that its not just a massive building full of anxst and misery.
2. MTV Shows: excuse me but interupt me if im wrong, but MTV stands for music television not loosely based on music kinda television. My gawd have you seen the shite they are putting on these days? RUNS HOUSE!!! were you wondering what happened to run from run dmc? em actually i wasnt..Well weve got the show for you then. my gawd is it boring!! its just some people in a house going hey how should we spend our money today?hmm i dunno lets do something boring? oh ok! Pile of crap. And PLEASE dont get me started on the hills..
3.Im gonna miss my leaving cert buddy, that s the supervisor. Turns out he was from Naas. then again who isnt these days what with it being a massive commuter town and all. But nevertheless he was a cool dude and took time everyday to have a chat and make jokes even when i was failing accounting. Nice guy!
4.HEY KARL WHATS THE MPC? hey random guy asking me economic questions! em feck off?5.UCD or DIT? let us examine. see if you can tell which is which.
full of rich daddy girls d4s and hippys?
full of less intelligent daddys girls and IT students?
In the city centre campus spread like nutella?
All centralised like government services with manicured lawns?
450 points and a bit of hiking like an indian for rice?410 points and easy like a wheelchair?
So you can see my predicament!PEACE OUT!!