Saturday, June 6, 2009

Featherless canaries, adult life and the holy trinity

Foreword: This blog contains social analysis alongside complete pisstake. Mostly pisstake though..

1. Adult life is simply just a more serious versin of childhood. Instead of the usual breakup, you have a divorce and instead of your girlfriend just texting your mates and telling them your shit in bed, your wife(girlfriend with ring) takes pretty much everything you own...and still tells your mates your shit in bed.

2.I just considered shaving my canary. what a hilaroius image of a bald canary perched awkwardly scared for its life!!

3.The average age of a dublin county council worker is 67.
Dublin co co worker 1 : Ah just fill th po'hole in with some tarmac, it will be grand.
Dublin co co worker 2: Or we could fix it properly?
Dublin co co worker 1: Not a chance mate, i could have retired two years ago, just lash it in there im going on me teabreak.
This conversation Is obviously fictional and does not represent real live people....because worker 2 would never had said lets fixed it properly.

4. To the guy scoring the woman outside the welfare for homeless women and children centre.. Its not really the best place to meet ladies mate..

5. Thw worst part of the sleep process is definately trying to fall asleep. Its so much hassle, youve got to keep comfy, make sure its quiet and dark and try not to think of anything. Sleep itself is great with th occasional mad dream as a result of eating chocolate before bed. The post sleep laze though is the most enjoyable part of slep where you are unexplainabl comfortable and just do not want to move. Basically I hate trying to fall asleep.

6. I thought explaining the whole idea of the holy trinity to a child would be the most difficult task I would face but now ive got to explain that miley cyrus and hannah montannah are the same person!! God help us. In fact Miley stewart is a real life person who is called miley cyrus in her tv show where she pretends to be miley cyrus and hannah monatnnah while in fact she is miley stewart. GOD!!

7.The Raw sessions is a class programme. Two bands, twelve hours, two original songs. Loving it mate! RTE2 fo' Loife!!

8. I think the world would be more interesting if it was underwater. Think of the cool flips and shit you could do off buildings and just general underwater madness!! For this reason, roll on global warming. * Sprays aerosol cans every second of the day*

9. Turfbog lane guy came home on a wednesday...The worlds natural order is out of balance.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Intellectual sixth classers, Jam pancakes and revolving doors

Yo Haterz be claimin, that my blogs be the samin, that I aint be postin, so my ass they got roastin, Well I just been coastin, my friends Ive been hostin, no im not boastin, ive just been coastin. Or for White people: Ive been busy so heres the first blog in a while.

1. "Congratulations to Christin Engelberth, a sixth grader at Bernard Harris Middle School in San Antonio, Texas. She titled her doodle "A New Beginning" to express her wish that "out of the current crisis, discoveries will be found to help the Earth prosper once more." A couple of things struck me as odd when I read this. One, how the hell did a sixth classer write something this smart? Two, Really? A sixth classer from TEXAS REALLY? Three, My kids are going to face some tough competition.

2. I love saying "my kids" as if I actually have kids. Just like Bretts wife, Bretts children are also imaginary. Yes they take after here in that way.

3. some people think I am too apathetic.. Well I dont care what they think.

4. I was impressed woth the amount of stuff I can memorise in a days worth of cramming. Ah good aul noggin, youve still got it betsy.

5. I hate revolving doors. Especially when your in a hurry and they stop turning. Then you have to start pushing them yourself and you look like a hamster in a wheel, running around pushing the doors.

6. Akon's new song Beautiful. Oh respecting women are you now Akon?? The lyrics go " I know your independent I just want your attention". Really Akon? You sure you dont Wanna Smack that up on the floor?? I genuinely believed Akon was changing you know, making a change to better himself and in general the world of Black r 'n'b pop music. But then came " I want to watch you undress not like a hooker but like a princess". Dissapointing Akon...

7. What I dont get is, Why do girls who enjoy "clubbin" (sexy babez $$$) like this new wave of R 'n B music?? every song is about smacking up some hoe, or egtting down on some bitch or damn you crackwhore get in my the back of van. Ok the last one I went out on a limb for. But still, Seemingly middle class women listening to AND singing along to lyrics whihc demense them? Baffling.

8. Indiana Jones Lego for the PSP is a ledgend game. Simple, puzzling, hilarious, just fantastic.

9. Warm pancakes and jam. MMMMMMMMM

10. Jack johnson is by far the best chill out and relaxing music. Such stoner surf music with some noice reggae beats to tap the feets. You can just see the ocean Maaaaan.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hatred for yet another radio station, Acronyms, and community spirit!!

1. New song of the month.( im starting to think of claiming to give prizes for this and see if it causes any controversy. Doubt it though) New song of the month is.... Vivienne Long Happy thoughts, just so nice and calming.

2.OMG Frappe Latte on my new Lyle and Scott babyblue jumper, There is electric banjo in the new Lilly Allen song. Either Im psychic or Timbaland reads my blogs.

3.Washing the spire in the rain. Bit pointless, no?

4. I have FINALLY played the Musicmaker Kit. Thats another thing of the to-do list. Now to get good at tennis, Visit Europe a couple more times (im aware i Live in Europe I mean mainland Europe if you will), Learn to drive, and then put rubber ducks in the water features that big multinational companies have in their reception.

5. Im starting to hate Fm104. They broadcast their music so loud, that I have to turn my headphones down after switching from Phantom. And that scottish girl they have with the echo on saying Fm104 after absolutely everything is incredibly annoying.

6. Cant afford widescreen? Just cross your eyes!! Instantly double the size of your t.v.

7. I hate the way a full stop looks after an acronym. It just looks so improper or something. Like O.M.G. the last dot just looks out of place. gahhh

8.Community spirit is freakin awesome! ! I was running out of the estate to catch the bus and one of the neighbours I dont really know picked me up and dropped me to the bus stop. I would have missed the bus if he hadnt of dropped me. What a legend!!

9. The type of people that listen to Fm104 also consider a holiday to Ibiza as cultural.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Hotel beds, Blogathon and Cage!!!

( What a picture: I just typed Hotel beds into google and Kablammo)

Yes thats right folks, I have hopped on the proverbial bandwagon with the fine ash ( to start a blogathon for the month of April. every day for the month of April I will make a post, cant promise anything too interesting. Right so hit the decks dJ Mad Scone and lets get this beat a hoppin

1. People have got to stop using " as the man says" to justify things they say. At this stage its becoming almost an authorative source. " Classical economics discusses the idea that supply side factors are the way to stimulate and control the economy as the man says." (source: The man) Like who is this guy and why is he saying all this. God silly stuff, as the man says..

2. I hate it when you change your bed sheets and you get hotel bed.

3. Im not quite sure what it is about public transport, but Itmakes me incredibly sleepy. Maybe im tired out from the stress of commuting or myabe its the warm bus rocking back and forward gently like a cradle but recently I fell asleep on the luas.. ON THE RED LINE. Anyone of those skobes could have totally whipped my new iPhone like omg. ( no I dont actualy have an iPhone)

4. I now present, the cage film layout:

Cage is in a top career, cage becomes unhappy in said career. Cage's name is Joe/John. Cage is a single parent. Cage is Distracted, so as a result hes not too great a parent. He then formulates a ridicolous theory and meets a strange lady to tell it to. She doesnt believe him but then he is proved right (Cage is always right) and the woman believes and they struggle to solve the theory together. They fall in love and the new lady is put in danger. Lady die/ is saved barely. End of film.

5.Its annoying how slow time goes when studying. Damn you space time continium, conspiring against me.

6. Recently, in my mothers job at CER( commisoin for energy regulation) a 60 year old woman rang in with the following question:

" Excuse me but I was just wondering, If I want to switch to Bord Gais energy do I need The massive switch on my house"? To this the operator replied " Yes unfortunately, so iff you are semidetached you might have a chane but if your terracec theres nothing we can do." What an idiot of an old lady!!!!

Well thats it because otherwise I wont have anything for every other day of posting..

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Vanessa Carlton, junkies and white pudding.

Well ah yeah the aul ruggers is on tonight mary, ah yeah, you watching johnny? Ah sure Id hardly miss out now. Guinness? Lets go John ahhhhhh yeeaaahhhh! Countryisms fo life!!

1. Vanessa Carlton is one pretty lady! Foxy Lady ow!!

2.Theres a lot of sterotypical grannies around town lately.
Old Granny:" Sorry what bus goes to the airport?"
Me:"oh youll want to get the 746 or the 16"
Old Granny: " Oh thank you dear so I want to get the 9?"
Me:"What? no no you want the 746 or the 16!!"
Old Granny: Oh yes...Sorry what buses did you say again?"

3. Why do all accounting teachers have terrible hand-writing?

4. JOhnstown has finally been rocked by the recession. Social degeneration has set in, with random acts of vandalism such as the destruction of the gazebo occuring as there is a "lack of amenities". the latchkey kid has become ever prominent and they roam the streets in search of a good meal or magazine clippings of American Eagle which they cling to reminding them of the good days. And My NU Interiors has been sent into receivership. Yes Even Johnstown is vulnerable to the global economy.

5. You know your relationship is getting way too serious when your leaving shaving stuff in your girlfriends "just in case"..

6. No matter how small, how hard to find, how old or how new the pub, some mad lad will inevitably have written on the wall of the jacks.

7.Please listen to this link while reading this point: "Oh when i wake up in the morning when and the sublight burns my eyes". Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, Summer is here at last. Light jackets, long evenings, smell of cut grass and football on the green. Oh it has been too long..

8. " Spare change for the homeless?".. Oh Collecting on behalf of the homeless good citizen, are you? No? your just a junkie loking for some moeny to score some more smack? Oh my mistake my mistake..

9. I now like white pudding.

10. Was St. Patrick the patron saint of Fucking bolox squeaky fiddle? NO!! So enough of it!!

11. You know your Irish when you get sunburnt in March.

12. As of now I consider anything I do as Irish culture. This way, Irregular bathing patterns, impatience and strong hatred for public transport will now be considered Irish culture. In fairness, its fairly accurate.

13. You ever get that feeling when your in the kitchen and your like Hmm id really like something right now but you dont know exactly what you want? Then you go and get something and eat it and it turns out not to be what you wanted. Its kinda like a dick in the mouth, you dont really know how it got there but you know you dont want it!.

Well wiki woka and woka wiki thats all for this time kids and remember centra in Temple bar are now doing all day breakfast rolls for 1.99 yumm!!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Keynesian theory, The Runner, and Paranoid Vision

While Listening to some feel good hits of summers gone by, at the moment its semisonic's chemistry, I found actually nice comments joking around on youtube. This is a pleasent suprise and a nice change from " your such a retard at 3.26 that girl says yeah god fucking stick your head in a blender". Less of that please!

1.Bryans college streotypes seem to be true and annoyingly he is proved right again. Business students being alcholics, art students being stoners with too many essays and all others simply quirky.

2. I think it would be hilarious to play rave through hearing aid loops. Then people once they are in range with a hearing aid would get an unexpected blast of Rave. Whoppa!! In the same way I would love to just talk over hearing aid loops and when they walked past just say crazy things and convince they are hearing voices and going insane. Slightly scabby but hilarious nonetheless.

3.Isnt it really annoying when your like " Oh dont you remember such and such a song or music video and people look at you like no, no I do not. Gahh Delve into your mind!!!

4. " Do rhetorical questions make good headlines wonders sub editor." you Just gotta watch and love Nightlive with its witty scrolling comments and general hilarity its a must see..

5.I am starting to hate football. Professional players who make 100,000 a week cant make a simple up the sideline pass, cant finish and cant put on a good game. Watching Rovers vs. Pats is more exciting than the champions league lately. As for Ronaldhinio I have lost all faith. He is a disgrace. All that talent and he sits there making easy passes. He Puts as much effort into his football as Katy Perry puts into her lyrics...

6. I have a brilliant idea for a restaurant called the runner. When you finish your dinner you have to pull a runner and try to escape through an obstacle course of sumo wrestlers, bouncy walls and mad things like takeshis castle. If you escape well your dinner is free!!

7. I am thinking of becoming the Bear Grylles of commuting. I could rummage through peoples bags for food and equipment and at random intervals when the show is getting boring I could just jump out the window. Id do that at least a couple of times per show.

8. Bands like Slainte the trad rock band in town should be famous not these fucking shit Lady Gaga types. Ohh I Drunk a little bit too much. Write a song bout getting too pissed and not know whats happening and you get to number one, write a funky jam people respect and you get left on Grafto.

9. People out there it is time to get more exprressive with what you are listening to. If your listening to your favouritre song and the deadly guitar riff comes up, then bop the head or dance about. Lets show boring Stiffs how to kick ass while commuting!!

10. As of the 17th of Feburary it has become noticably brighter in the morning.

11. To the 7.20 bus driver on the bus to Naas your sign is still wrong. Its been four weeks now and your sign still says busaras please just change it to Naas!!

12.THERES A HIGH COST OF LIVING. Paranoid Vision are the best worst band in the world. You gotta respect them just because of how bad they are. No one else could be that good a being shit. Someone needs to throw an economics book at them and shoot their bassist though.

13. This is a quick shout out to my homie John Maynard Keynes, The only true Ghostrida of the economic world.

14. I am constantly trying to find new ways of keeping my relationship with nirina crazy. My most recent idea, is that i am adopting a stricter Kiss policy. IN future she wil have to fill out a long and boring EP1501 form every time. She will then have to wait for the return of an Fg21 report form indicating the result and why the kiss was accepted or rejected. Should be entertaining.

15. Finally I have found a Bus Eireann Driver close to my heart. " I wont be going fucking anywhere near Turf Bog Lane". To the driver of the 2.30 bus through Tallaght you are restoring faith in bus eireann for me.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Train stations, totalitarianism and stealing from ash!

im afraid this wont be a long post or have a picture for two days because im writing this on a shit hueston station computer. EDIT: Well this has been changed as i am now safely at home with the power of the Hp laptop. Here we go break it down, ah yes thats a funky jam.

1. Heuston station is really bland,just like lack of effort you know.Damn only 30 secs left james bond music

2. *ding dong. Train train train, time and place. Thank you for travelling with Ian rud Eireann.* Try listening to that all morning when all you want it to say is galway, talk about building it up man..

3. How come the second after you go to bed after feeling knackered, your suddenly not tired?

4. Since my blog is for social experiences and wonderings, (first statement of objective whoahhhhh) if I have an idea for the blog in my dreams, does it count?...Fuck yeah because its my blog, thats totalitarian power baby!! I dreamt that somewhere there was a student hostel, a has shop and an optical illusion shop in one string of buildings. How incredibly fun and stereotypical would that be?...Then I Remembered thats really just Amsterdam.

5. I love the crunch of snow underneath my foot. Mmmmm..

6.Reading the comments you left on peoples pics on bebo ages ago is priceless ( I must state that this is very similar to ash's blog 2 point 5 but anyway). Seeing your old sense of humour is almost more funny than the actual humour itself.

7. Double bass is now the coolest instrument in the world after drums.

8. Myslef and Luke recently attempted a homemade cajon(if you dont know what a cajon is please chek this Using only a wine box,a pencil case filled with some pennies, an old chambers dictionary and a healthy supply of masking tape. I am quite proud of it but lukes dad who owns the said material...not so impressed

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Expiry dates,pretentiousness and full grown men in prams

how am i supposed to type with no light, light when you ain there, no light no light. Enough pop puns and shennigans lets get down to business like Persopolis does in the first five pages. No im not gonna explicitly lay down a heartbraking depiction of my countrys turmoil. Ok so its not like Persopolis. Whatev!! So over him gosh!!

1.I find that the date on the milk bottle is a good indicator of how long I have left to do something. In some ways this can make breakfast as terrifying as the prospect of being forced to watch greys anatomy or Sex and the city. I often find myself at the fridge going "ah fuck it cant be nearly time for the milk to expire on the 30th nooo". finding out that your milk is going to expire and that you have an exam is never a good combination.

2. Tv3 what happened? seriously you used to know you were terrible when you ran documentaries on such issues as "look my kid is fatter than an elephant" and " My mother is a prostitute". But now oh now Tv3 you have asserted a new more respectful pretentious looking facade for your bigus tv. Its like calling a stripclub a Gentlemans club...Its still a stripclub..

3. IN reality I dont think I hate bus eireann. Its warm, it takes me home and gives me tonnes of blog material. Jumping johavas witnesses batman what have i said?? In my defense when I wrote this one i was listening to orchestra and it was a lovely sunny day. To balance things out ill kidnap a Driver and his family.. these threats are going to get me into trouble one day...

4. Have you ever gone to see a film and when you come out you think to yourself "yeah but if that had just happened instead it would hvae been great". Frost/Nixon had this effect on me. I was praying for the character development Praying but alas none came forth..I Do film studies in Trinity huhuhuh sorry heather..

5. The diehard Quadrilogy (even quadrilogy is more manly than trilogy)is so manly and rewatchsble. With tits, killing and slick lines like " NO fucking shit lady, Do I sound like IM trying to order a fucking pizza?" they are just classics.

6. This one goes out to my homeboy in the pram on Grafton Street. Focking total ledge. He said if i pushed him down to the molly malone statue hed give me a bannnana and he did. A man of his word and of freaky arty ideas clearly but a legebd none the less.

7. Do you want to try and look sexy in a 1970s style jumper that looks like your mother picked it out for you along with its matching scarf. Do you want to splash out a ridicolous amount of money on a shit pullover that is so useless that you may as well wear less clothing to feel warmer? Well then Farell and Brown is the place for you. Pretentious wankers...

8. My 14 adventure day plan is running smoothly with a drinking sesh, trip to Galway., cinem trip, friend revival (ash and rach) and dart adventure already secured. This are some productive ass days.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Babies on acid and bikes? Bad combination.

It seems that people will do anything to avoid study. Procrastination always invoves the most stupid and ridicoulous distractions. Things that you would never do, simply because they are too crazy or are actually more boring than studying ironically. I have inevitably fallen into this category..

1.I never thhought prog rock could be happy or funky for that matter. I always believed it involved death screamers or boring shites talking about pretentious issues over eally slow and boring music. then I found Battles and it was like entering a Baptist church in America. Getting pulled in, wanting more, spekaing in tongues (well thats just how the lyrics actually sound) and praying for more. I am actually rocking back and forward in funk spasms.

2. I Was in the homeland of Hurling. I took over a castle, played hurling with DJ Carey, and had a quality pint of guiness and settled down in Supermacs for cheap cheeseburgers. Where was I? Only Kilkenny. VOted best Irish town to go to, to experience Irish roadtripping. This was brought to you by Discover Ireland. Mo chroi sa bheal and other shit irish sayings no one else understands but are there for cultural reasons.

3. 3 Days is the max I can go without shaving before I look like a dirty hobo..Sorry before I look MORE like a dirty hobo.

4. I am sick of electric woodblock in R'n'B dance music. Timbaland did it so it must be cool. Just get a new instrument to electrify. Electric banjo...that would go well in the next rihanna hit single.

5. Why do Eurobabys and Eurocycles have drum and Base madness in their ads? Its as if they think babies are acid heads already. "Ohh bhoyz Eurobaby is da fuckin bomb man, they play fuckin deadly rave and they fixed me stabilisers. Wicked man!" Babies on acid and bikes is just a bad mix. Think of the havoc. Sweetstores would be hit the worst of course but.. MY GAWD!!!

6. Finding the motivation to study Motivation is quite difficult. I found this particularly funny.

7. CASTLEDERMOT MUST DIE!! Its inhabitants and all, just bomb the shit over it and start again..WITH A MOTORWAY. The whole route to kilkenny? Sweet motorway..untill you get to castledermot then your crawling for 20 mins at 10 kmh and have retard female drivers cutting you up only to park ten feet from where she was already parked. Red button please..

8. My laptop is sweet and I love the little thing but gawd I wish it would stop giving me chronic bac ache. I feel about 70.

Edit: I dont know why I used so much CAPSLOCK this time.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Bachelors, German cookies and Foetuses!

Well now that I have my claim to fame after meeting Dermot Whelan and since Im almost a minor celebrity thanks to the Mr.North gig, I am going to quit writing blogs and retire. Then I will find some amazing journalist to write my autobiography and add in things that would make my life more interesting... Well thats what I would do if i was a Z list like any WAG..

1.This one may come across as quite weird but all these hip new party ideas are almost as strange...FOETUS PARTYS!! This is where you lie naked in the middle of the room with loads of your friends in the foetal position with tubing attched to your stomach listening to fast paced music rocking back and forward.. I can see it becoming popular..

2. You know the way everyone that has one of those words at which they just laugh at whenever they hear it? Well mine is snooping. hehe i love the word snooping!! It also brings back good memories of snoopy, ah the misfortunate large nosed puppy.

3. I hate clubs! Oh the sexyness. oh the girls with juicy written across their ass. GENERAL PROVACITIVENESS. Ah bhoyz im going clubbin tonight gonna get me hole yeow!! No no your not your in a club. the girls are just being overly flirty and what are you going to do bring them back to your mas gaf? Fuck sake. And then theres the fact that every club is a sweat box. Sweatier than a 32 stone man's underflaps.

4. This weeks commuting related topic is commutin headaches. Headaches you get just from the actual commuting process. The noisy engine, the shaky bus, the peoples headphones blasting, the stress of bus Eireann. At this stage I could be considered a panadol junkie.

5. This months song of the month award (no actual award will be given) goes to Presidents of The U.S.A for their song peaches. None as that annoying band that bring out one hit wonders, kinda like fountains of wayne in that way, these noble politicians have brought us a song about peaches. A funk hoe down about peaches and only peaches, well they get my vote.

6. Recently when watching Prime Time during the christmas holiday I imagined sanat being interviewed by Miriam O Callaghan on Prime Time. The following is my imaginery transcript:

Miriam: Well Santa thanks for being here in studio with us, I know your very busy of late. A recent Prime Time investigation though has found some problems at the north pole. The working rights of your Elves cam under particualr scrutiny. What would you say in respionse?
Santa: Well *takes drag from cigar* Id say you aint got much evidence Lady and your a step away from being on the naughty list
Miriam: Yes but is isnt it true that they have been known to work 36 hours wihout a break or lunch
Santa: I take great offence to that. Anyway my brothers at Nike outsource mty labour for me, so its not exactly my problem.
Miriam: ok ok well anta another re occurence seems to be the question of your actual existence
Santa: In fairness If im right here...
Miraim: *Generally shouts down santa in typical Miriam style.
Santa: Well if I could just make the key point that..
Miriam: I sorry thats all we have time for because I always have to finish the show with the upper hand. Thanks for watching I have been an arrogant bitch. goodnight

7. If christmas time rolls around next year and your not feling too festive then make sure you make some german cookies and decorate them indivudually. Now thats festive fun!

8. I find the way people deliver christmas cards to their neighbours quite hilarious. Its such a secret affair. People dress up in ninja suits and hop over their nieghbours wall,crwl up to the leter box and push it in just so gently BANG. Shit the letterbox slammed Scarper!! Like why the secrecy? You live next door to them they know who you are plus once they read the card well again they will know who you are. Its not like theres anthrax in them or something....

9. Last night I made dinner for myslef and my mother and then sat in watching a film with her. Im not looking for an aww here. The point is I felt like a 40 year old bachelor living in his mothers house. Soon Ill be internet dating and inventing new cereals oh gawd.

And thats all for this fun filled festive installment. I dont usuaully do conclusions, this is new for me, Im so nervous!

EDIT: Why does blogspot say that I post my blogs at like 2.50 A.M its 11.45 A.M. Thanks for making me look like a sad insomniac all this time blogspot.