Sunday, July 20, 2008

Ah Mary the pants are falling off the economy!!

The main issue in this blog is a warning going out to everyone about a film that goes by the name of The Southland Tales. If you value your sanity or just dont wanna feel like ur brain was just raped then do not watch it DO NOT!!

1. "I'm A pimp and pimps dont commit suicide" I should explain this in case its ever used as part of a smear campiagn if I run for president.. The southland tales seemed to emphasise it then again the film has no point.

2. Gawd stop bringing out Will ferrell movies. Will Ferrell in hilarious sporting situation, Will ferrell in slightly more crude sports comedy, Will Ferrel in another potentially funny situation but with same jokes as aforementioned sport types. Just stop.

3. And so I launch my stop Will Ferrell from destroying his credibility campaign. STOP!!! Every three seconds Will ferrell makes a clone comedy movie. Please donate gernerously and lets see some diversity.

4. Strawberrys and cream as posh as they maybe are fucking delicious!! like omg they are focking amaaazing.

5. To all of the joe soaps out there debating our current economic crisis I offer you an ultimatum.
Go and become an economist with some credibility or SHUT UP!!!! I cannot stand people in the post office such as mary and nancy from just past the shop there debating the ins and outs of our economy. "ahh mary sure they dont know what its like, they have never had it as bad as we did, and sure people still have to but houses mary it will bounce back, its all a cycle you see" "ah your right nancy, sure house prices were over inflated like a balloon about to burst you know". Like well done you watch the news and can repeat it in a post office but please fuck off telling me how to solve the latest economic crisises and cliaing us young uns cat and wont handle it. This is a sensitive issue for me..

6. On a similar note post office television news is ridicously vague to the extent of making itself pointless. For example a headline read " company loses 1 billion" no joke. like what company? Where? why? 1 billion what? Its essentially like saying "man dies". Way too vague mate.

7. Chicken balls are good shit!

8. And heres the last point of this weeks installment (by the way this blog is not weekly they are written spoaridaically) I got a new phone and damn is it smooth. To all of you out there with a nokia 5300 (bit of advertising kerching) *similar phone high 5.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The chemically named festival and kstyling

I'm aware that these blogs will appear everywhere such as "ohh oxegen was so good" and "quotes from oxegen" but oh well ill confirm my own sterotype.

1.Oisin and myself were lying in our tent talking shit at about half three in the morning but definately not able to sleep when we heard a gentleman remark "ya fecking pelican". Quotes such as these are senseless yet priceless. Thus confirming my belief that eavesdropping drunk people is justified just to hear the shit they come up with. Press x to eavesdrop and complete mission (thats for you ushbag).

2. The Zutons may just be my new big band of the month....not that i usually have a big band of the month or anything but you know.. also they have a sexamaphone i.e a hot saxist!!

3. The prodigy are old man!! they is some angry poppin grandads "where are my irish voodoo people?where are my irish brudas?". God damn prodigy shut up and get on with ur repetitve laptop beats (space bar,spacebar,spacebar,shift,remix)

4. For a skanky three piece pop band Sugababes had some mosh!! If youve ever wondered why women are second class citizens well then just have a look at the sugababes and youll understand. IN particular the video for Push the button.

5. I am personally starting a campaign against the way that sardines are packed too tightly in their tins after the kings of leon cos I know just how they feel.

6. Karl* sets up oisin with nice looking nordy girl as he is a skillful wingman*
Oisin: *kindly accepts and dances with her*
Nordy girl:* attempts to score oisin*
Oisin* dodges skillfully*
Karl: man why did you do that?
Oisin: I thought she was fat man! she felt pudgy.
Karl: But she wasnt, what do you need, to measure her waist size??

7. Rage against the machine are so good at the whole live thing...fuck it....AMAZINGGG!!!!!

8.Tents are sweatboxes!!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Stoner sessions in my front garden.

Hopefully my catchy title has got your attention with people saying such things as "ohh bit of drugs" and the like.

1. Watching clouds go by while listening to the kooks can have varied results. Here is the thought process I had.... "hmm that kinda looks like a girraffe, wait no more of a mushroom ohh that is a cool mushroom, and theres a tree woah it looks like theres a panther on it there, woah!!!that cloud looks really like it is an actual plane!". Anyway cloud watching is a definaate for killing an hour in my opinion.

2. People should really stop going on about oxegen on msn and bebo. We know its on, its mass advertised, I have my ticket just stop going "OXEGEN IN 5 DAYS 10 HOURS AND 3 MINS 5 SECS, 10 MILLISECS. ME TOO?" yes me too but I dont need to publically declare the fact.

3.You might wanna take a receipt cos that might just be too funky for you. I thought that up today and if I ever get into a funk band im gonna write more of those ridicoulous nfunkliners. Like hmm I dunno you might collapse its quite funky.

4.Working at the docks for Jimmy.

5. I think it would be quite funny to start engaging in small talk with the self service machines in tesco and when someone says "excuse me what are you doing?" just ignore them and say to the machine "can you believe this guy?"

6. Its amazing how a three day long festival can completely take over a town.Its like a norman invasion or something. By this I mean how Oxegen dominates Naas like a fatcat with a fetish for not being in control as he is normally everyday. Apparently when oxegen is on Naas becomes the 5th largest town in Ireland!

7. Unlike Kill chipper, m and s white cookies never get old ..ghroom*morphs into cookie monster*

8. The Mr.Men books should be a new form of religion. They preach morals but without the whole bullshit of the old testament and Mr.Bump's accident prone lifestyle proves to be quite amusing hmm yes quite *smokes cigar in a smoking robe*

9. I dont usually get to number 9.

10. Mardec seriously needs a purchasing manager because managing stock here is like playing tetris.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Things that dont actually matter

1.your positon on peoples top 16.most likely like mine its just howeva bebo arranges it anyway why the hell does it matter?lack of self esteem?lack of actual awareness to know if someone likes you?get real!

2.your profile views.again for fucks sakes are actually that insecure that you need the reassurance of a number to boost your confidence? your hair looks(killian!!!!!)god kil it doesnt matter.hehe only joking had to get it in there though.


5.bus eireann time tables.the bus will be late rgardless of how many differnt time tables you check.if you ring up to complain youll conviniantly find that the whole complaints department are on vacation.also the bus drivers are deliberately late as they are just dikheads

6.if you specify no spit in your abrakebabra.theyll do it anyway.

7.where you buy your gawd like it doesnt matter if they are from pennies or heatons like cmon would you rather pay 500 euro for a nike tracksuit from arnotts or get it for 5 in heatons?anyway most mad douva pricey tracksuits are bought in town behind the ilac centre for a fiver of two old sketchy hags. many x's you put in a text:apparently in my friends school there are actually rules about how many x's u put in a wat?not only is this retarded and downright crazy but the people that follow them....where are their own minds?hooked up to the shepard no doubt..3 x's mean u like them a ig x then a small x then a big one is gay?how i dunno...and more then 10 is obsessive.ohn yeahh hitting the x button witout looking thats obsessive...god retards!!

Ive even grown to like karl

well yes everyone will have one and yes its done to death but here are the kickest of all ass quotes from sweden hooooraaahhh!!!

Dan and Will:thanks alot bjorn you were a ledgend.Bjorn:yes i like you alot too dan and will you are good skier....i have even grown to like karl.

Me:evil overlord bjorn of slope verdromen.

sean:lads look!we got a bible!all:awwww its the new testement

Conor:that was a good shower woops left my flip flops in thereLiam:did you leave your balls in there aswell?

at the quiz..q9:what is the smallest bone in the body
Me:lukes penis ohhhhhhhhhq

2:what is aracnophobia a fear of?
all:a fear of iraq americas got it ohhhhhh

our team name was test-icicles hehe

everyone nextdoor was making noise so we sent conor to sort it out...
Me:go on conor go and make them shutup be a man
sean:yeah go beat someone up
conor: ohh fine then*knock knock*
conor: oh my god will you like shut the fuck up!(said in gayest conor voice)

me:wow swedens economy is run by 30 people!

all:my gawd all they do is cut down trees,mine,eat mcdonalds and drive volvos!

mr.d:how many religion teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?all:how many?mr.d:100, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 99 to share the experience

dave: ok now we will yump.
Me:wat the fuck?
dave:yump...*points at ski jump*
all:you mean jump dave...muppet

29 people on a ski slope:woah black betty bam a lam woah black betty bam a lam

dan,will,sean and I:and ill have a small,a SMALL chocolate shake as im tyrn to watch my figure

janine and racheal:karl ill give you 500 krona to dance on miss kelly

Me at the disco:do the snowplough!!!

what a cool ass country and the best trip ever!!

OMG its gone too far

for f sake man abbreviaitions have gone too far.
I can live with ttyl and btw mayb even gtg but bmb?WHAT THE FUCK IS BMB??????

here are some of my assumptions:

1.Bananna my bebo? why not its raonnndom enuf for the little thicks.

2.bum my bak? well that was just to be prvocative

3.bushy male behind?well it is funny my babez? theres more "lingo" i hate. hunz bunz love yaz over use of z'z cos they feel neglected from lak of actual use.chikn?wtf!!!!but it was brought to my attention that it means bebo me back which is even sadder my gawd i t it time 4 me to kl myslf ttyl gtg brb omg bmw aib etc. even etc. is a fuckin abbrev.
Im aware this is very similar to the formerly critically acclaimed masterpiece that was bryans blog but since ush and sean reckon im just a copy of bryan i decided thats its ok for me to have one...

If you listen to Jimi hendrix while commuting it feels like an episode of becker.

Do you remember blind date?remeber that show where minging englings went on tv for the chance of winning a holiday (usually to alicante or some other sweaty beer fest island) and just acted really slutty to get the person to pick them?man that was a great show.the height of tv entertainment because when theyve picked their minger the show puts two models in replacement of the other mingers and the look of dissapointment was alwyas priceless..."wait you mean one of them was rachael hunter?but my first question was are you rachael hunter and i got a no"then oh yeah im not done here.the couple come back from their holiday and cilla would bear her chompers(which looked like the ones u wind up and chatter) and say "well love how did you get on?" the guy would always dig the chik out of sheer lack of self esteem and a chance at love and then the private camera would reveal the girl saying "yeah he was a real nice guy,more of a friend though" "did u enjoy it though?" "well i slept with two other guys so yeah" then the camera switched to the guys face and a slow motion pic would show his heart breaking.CLASSIC! orrr u get the guy who pretends to not care and once he thinks the cameras off starts to tear the place apart with cilla miocking him to get him to go on..and finally youd have cilla ask "well did yous kiss" and both would kinda llok awkward and stare at their shoes like 12 year olds and say yeahhh...cue the awwww....great great entertainment

youll notice that differnt songs provide different results while tea making.this kinda ended u as an experiment for me so ill present it in that form

Title: To prove that funky ass beats of different natures are directly proportional to change in tea making


Rage aginst the machine: results in large tea spillage and burns from extreme head bopping

The kooks:Increase moral and ensure sugars are remembered

The chemical brothers:increase productivity due to fast beats.

Pink floyd: slows tea making by 500% because of prog nature and general slowness.

My chemical romance:no tea as it results in suicide.

one of my new ironys is that i saw a curves (gym) bench at every turn in wicklow.surely they should be encouraging you to walk not sit no?

Bus drivers are unneedfully suspicious. ME: one childs ticket please!Driver: what age are you?date of birth?last thing you ate etc.

Muse are actually ok...

The metro is a fantastic source for chat up lines and bar i read today that eh a man ate 4000 loolipops for a world record!who doest want to hear that?thats just impressive!

I love sprite ads but i dont like the drink is this effective advertising or not?

why do people put full stops afer question marks?theres one attached at the bottom

spaghetti is a slippy demonWhats the plural of luas?racing the bus is a satisfying feeling!

Excercise actually puts me in a good ood looks like im not a fat man in a skinny mans body after all

People use smilies too much to convey emotion..ever think of using them ancient symbols with meanings? thats words im on about.

daft punk maybe stoners and general wasters but hey if they can make funky ass jams like that then hand me a joint and ill quit my job..

fitlinxx: the one pc that doesnt make u fat.

the difference in food quality by two euro is incredible.

You know your food is cheap when it can defy gravity and when ur mash potatoes are actually liquid.

Skirts cause wayyyyy too much hassle for the common joe soap
Sorry for the pretentious title but the new front page of bebo has influenced me.

What the hell man when did capitilisn get so cool?Im aware of the ironic paradox of writing a blog about bebo sellign out on bebo but ah fook it.

Since when did bebo get so in your face , so look look look at our cool advertisements.Since when did bebo know what was hot and been able to tell us whats cool and whats hot.The whats hot and whats not type columns belong in shitty girl teen mags like kiss written by 23 year old bimbo journalists that just couldnt make it..mainly due to their lack of competence in the whople jourbalism area so they join kiss and make their own stories sorry they are real rumours yeah....

Bebo used to make fuuny litttle jokes like could take one second two three...remember that?cos it sure seems a million years ago what with now the whats in section and so on.Likeit was pretty clear that bebo had sold out and gotten dare i say it a little greedy?when they had nuts tv. "this aint no porn site" remember?bebo clearly im not opposed to nuts no straight man is but to sell out from a clean site of fun to a yeaah weel do it for a certain figure type site just aint cool.

The new black and red stand off the page front page which resembles something a yuppy "budding" marketing student would design is horrible cold and plain in your face compared to the first bebo modest skin.

ON top of this the whole kate modern thing FUCK was never goin to take off well not with people that actually had a ming...gahhh thats my new rant over.BUY IT NOW BUY IT NO or dont i dont care im just enjoying rippin it out of bebo...

the time of the gay

there is a jtown saying that goes by the name of being gay(oisin 13:4)im afraid the dark day of gay is upon us where sean has a maith,where oisin actually studies and where the bman is growing up and gettin all 20s on are ass.i cant say much better for myself what with the leaving cert.anyway the posse is stronger than that heres hoping that natural order will eliminate the gay and only slik ass mo fos will remain

Many new the discovery has been made

1. Exams bring out the worst in scangers. *plop sound* making such sounds in the middle of your maths paper just isnt a sign of intelligence. The only maths that apllys to scangers is the probability that they will live of the dole. probability = 1. yes i made a maths joke.

2. If you want your film to be nominated fro some oscars there are some pretty easy steps to follow:a) your film must contain large periods of silence. They say it provokes thought in the audience. I say they just couldnt find enough deep words to fill the script with.b) a character who has some kind of problem with his dad. I dont know why but oscar judges love the whole "i didnt get on with my father thing" just like physcholigists.c) an evil villain evryone hates..although i love the villain there so much cooler.d) other general arty shit such as camera angles.....oh and mexicans!!

3. CLOVERFIELD: a film so devastating so badly filmed it makes people sick. The monster is quite funny looking though. rawwwrr im gonna destroy the city!!! why monster? where is all this anger coming from?maybe he too had poblems with his father.

4.If you leave money in your pocket it will get spentIsnt it so annoying when you go into a shop and just buy shit you dont even need just cause you have money? damn you flashy advertising

5.its almost cheaper to have a sex change and pay female insurance than to try and pay male insurance! not that i would consider a sex change...

6. Have you been fatally wounded? dont sweat. All you need is a nice check shirt. yes thats right a check shirt can keep any wound closed, support a broken arm and even cure the common cold. Shocking but amazing noe the less.

7. Germans actually have a sense of humour. I watched a german tv program the other day about germans dropping eggs from great heights and chuckling to themselves. Maybe ive got it wrong though maybe they were carrying out important research?

8. There are too many zumo spin off companies. You can now get the healthiest smoothie from over 10 different juice bars. Not all of them are the best so someones gotta be lying

9. Retro songs are by far the coolest.all this new music shit..well its shit. today youve got a few types of music. Shitty pop which relies on the artist being in the tabloids everyday to make it.Singer song writer one hit wonders.and of course fucking gay love shit like shane ward

Positivo with il divo

The name actually has nothing really to do with the blog but whateva minga!!Yeah so its time for a feel good hit of the summer blog full of sunshine and sea! I got up this morning(when i wake up in the morning when..and the sunlight burns my eyes) and it was really sunny and i had to cycle to work but during my journey I found enlightment like Buddha under the tree maaan. Fooka you leaving cert. Yeah i went there.OMG thats too serious too joke about.NO MATE!!! its not. The leaving cert is like a ham and cheese sandwich, everyone can have one some people have better ones. Its not even a delicacy but when you tpast it and the cheese melts mmmmm. wait now im sidetracking but anyway. Sun sun sun and fun fun. no more study thank you very much ill do it when it rains and come summer ill forget it all anyway woooSo FOOKA YOU Leaving Cert.

Bebo adding something useful no way?

but yes yes they have.somehow they actualy thought about what people needed instead of useless self adding applications. im talking about mobile bebo.its bebo without the shit.some argue that bebo= shit and therefore bebo- shit= 0 but nt tis amazed i realy am.psp blogs they are the future my friends... p.s i knw i write too many blogs

No inspiration leading to inspiration?sylvia plath style

At this stage even i myself am starting to doubt whether or not i can actually come up with new things to write but hey here are some recent discoveries:
1.For an area with a population demographic of mainly 35 to 75 johnstown has two burnt down buildings, two abandoned houses, a plastic bag manufacturer and an ancient church. This was at least mildly entertaining.oh and i forgot the best part recently jtown got its first resident ostrich(see next point).
2. It seems there is nothing money cant buy, food during a famine, water in the dessert and now an ostrich in jtown. What astounds me most is the fact that an ostrich has actually no practacality as an animal or pet apart from being a sign of ridicoulous wealth or in Mansfields case, trying to make a golf course a playboy mansion.
3. Kill chipper is geting old.
4.OHH YEAH again forgetting ostrich related details.About ten minutes from the town of the J there is an ostrich farm. You may see this as an explanation for point two really. Funny thing is more people are employed in jtown by ostrich farming then by centra currently.theres a fact for you!
5. Sylvia Plath was simply misunderstood. She used to be cool.She used to be funny actually at one point of her life she was a comedian. However one night after a particulary harsh crowd Plath was walking home only to walk under thirteen ladders followed by thirteen black cats. Unfortunately the rain of bad luck that ensued such as being drive by milkshaked and it turning out to be her husband and his new bird resulted in Plath becoming an eternal pessimist.
6. Talking loudly on the phone about the play Othello can make you appear quite racist.
7.Advice for a goalkeeper: buy massive inflatable gloves.
8. Baz:*takes really good penalty*Dalton:*dives very slowly for ball,very slowly*Ger: Ah cmon the Titanic went down faster than that.
9. One may see these blogs a s a form of diary.well im here to tell you who think such, shutup and dont tell anybody.
10.Party in oisins mobile in co.Wicklow this summer for anyone who wants to come. just dont tell oisin its a suprise.
11. Buy it now. at only 10.95 its a steal. yes thats right the motorbikes first ashtray.hury hurry hurry. Ads such as these are just purely offensive to peoples intellligence.
12. And finally a big word up to my dawgs at Honda. There idea of creating live and exciting ads such as the parachute jump ad is genious.Bringing fun back to advertising. Publicity stunts are a yes in my book

Big bad bitchn blog bonanza

Well now that the leaving cert is over its time for yet another installment.
(i dont know why I bother writing it like that as if people read these *crys with self pity*)
ok i have pulled my self back together im fine really im fine..
1. Grey's anatomy: the lab results are back and indeed it is a pile of shit. on top of the fact that its a terrible rip off of another dire doctor drama(alliteration) that being ER its just ridicoulous. sometimes I wish the writers of such shows would have a stroke and then go to hospital and find out that its not just a massive building full of anxst and misery.
2. MTV Shows: excuse me but interupt me if im wrong, but MTV stands for music television not loosely based on music kinda television. My gawd have you seen the shite they are putting on these days? RUNS HOUSE!!! were you wondering what happened to run from run dmc? em actually i wasnt..Well weve got the show for you then. my gawd is it boring!! its just some people in a house going hey how should we spend our money today?hmm i dunno lets do something boring? oh ok! Pile of crap. And PLEASE dont get me started on the hills..
3.Im gonna miss my leaving cert buddy, that s the supervisor. Turns out he was from Naas. then again who isnt these days what with it being a massive commuter town and all. But nevertheless he was a cool dude and took time everyday to have a chat and make jokes even when i was failing accounting. Nice guy!
4.HEY KARL WHATS THE MPC? hey random guy asking me economic questions! em feck off?5.UCD or DIT? let us examine. see if you can tell which is which.
full of rich daddy girls d4s and hippys?
full of less intelligent daddys girls and IT students?
In the city centre campus spread like nutella?
All centralised like government services with manicured lawns?
450 points and a bit of hiking like an indian for rice?410 points and easy like a wheelchair?
So you can see my predicament!PEACE OUT!!