Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I wish the word quavers still only meant crisps to me...

Man learning drums actually is a bitch, playing by ear is so much easier thean counting your bars and beats and crotchets and quavers and...oh gawd...

1. Wales is essentially Ireland. Think about it...its got crappy uphill twisty roads, lots of greenery but nothing to actually do. The only difference is that everyone has a picture of christian bale in their wallet in a heart shape frame and loves randonmly screaming CYMRU!!! Also when it rains it rains in biblical proportions.

2. Irelands rain is very confused. Kind of like a gay man who crossdresses..like are you a "woman" who likes men or are you just a man liking men??..light rain...ohhh heavy flooding rain...ohh sunny ah we got you not really its still drizzling.Damn rain.

3. I need a really good salesman to sell me the idea that commuting for 2 hours to dcu every day is going to be a good idea..well any salesmen willing to take up the challenge? Note: I will only accept offers from salesmen dressed in cheap tweed jackets with a smoking pipe in their massive white teeth (like in the movies!!)

4. I think ill get myself a cageman hairstyle cos as we all know the mullet thats hasnt been washed in a while is now back in fashion.

5. If you want a uniform for your son or daughter please dont come in on the day before school starts at closing time and the give out to me because inevtiably I will suddenly run out of your childs size.

6. Laptop advice: Never ask for any!

7. Subways new deal is the subcard.Very glossy and a nice wallet filler certainly. To get a free sub you must have 1000 points.Every euro is 10 points (ok here comes the technical part) now 1000 divided by 10 is 100. so thats 100 euro for a free sub. now 100 euro worth o sub is roughly 14 footlong subs. Now that is twice my height in subs and two days work...at that stage i dont think id want a sub....damn that was some calculations i think a need a suub..

8. The Hss stena line sure is a motherflipin testosterone fueled manyl shop of death. However the "lynx"while doing an impressive 38 knoths per hour is also impressivey gay. Oh llok at me im the stenal lynx im so small and so gay, i Just love having all these sailors on me at the one time. It was that gay that I had to christen it... FAGGOT SHIP!

9. Crunch fitness is by far th mot over the top place I have ever been in. I mean dico balls over the treadmill?like ok the moonwalk is a dance and exercise but.. ah who am i kidding its juts 'uckin ridicoulous.

10. I wish lemonade would be cheaper!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Journeys,smells,and good literature.

So here we go here we go now. Bringing it back in for a funky bumpy new edition. This shit is more respectable then Barrack Obama!

1. The "10 reasons to date a..*insert social group or sport*" things to need to get more inventive. They need to move away from the usual innuendos of "were used to scoring". So here we go:

10 reaosns builders are gay:

    1.They are used to holding big tools.

    2.so many tools are penis shaped. The jackhammer? the pneumatic drill? should i go on..

    3. They are used to being overly perverted. Such as feeling the need to read page 3 and then discard the paper. Reading nuts in the crane. We cant see you up there but we know you are..anyway this sprouts from a need to hide the fact they are actually gay!

    4. they work hard and they play hard.

    5. the point is lists, of these nature are shit and full of crap.. and ten is actually quite difficult!!

2. The journey to naas from the town of J is about 3km but it has the most diverse smellogphry the world has ever seen. Smellogrphy is like topogrophy but with smells. The word was neccesary ok!! Anyway in this 3km stretch there are four distinct smells. The first is not very noticeable its just one of those nice country air smells, quite pleasant.  Then we move in to the nasty smell of capitalism which is the concrete dankness of.. well yes the concrete factory. Followed swiftly by the smell of what can only be identified as raw sewage or cooking dog food which is more likely from the nearby dog food factory. Finally as you enter Naas you get a smokey nasty smell. Journeys to Naas therefore can be done blindfolded but I really wouldn't recommend it.

3. For some reason I sweat in the exact same place on my cycle to work. It doesn't matter what kind of weather it is, what clothes im wearing or what antiperspirant im wearing it just happens!! So to all you big shot antiperspirants out there who claim to stop such  events bring it on. Im the perfect test subject!

4. I'm sure the jamboree is good if your a scout but otherwise...

5.  Burning of the brands is a definate must read. Especially for all the little D4s who would die without their brands, this book will teach you to grow up and get a life.

6. Je pense que la television est mal pour la sante. Some things drilled into my head from the big LC will never leave.

7. Dreams of infidelity are quite interesting.

8. Again just to say that Bulmers advertising is amazing !!

9. Free "samples" of m and s white cookies..ohh you simple and naive bakers.."ill just have a little bit more, i'm still unsure" *said with mouthful of coookie*

One of the self service machines in Tesco keeps breaking down every time i' in the store. You would think they would fire it or call it in for a meeting at this stage:

manager: so A015 you have repeatedly refused to work each day this week whenever you saw fit. What should I do? huh?
A015: Please remove item from belt.
Manager: What?? Now you want me to do work for you? I'm going to have to choose from one of our disciplinary measures...
A015: Please select one of the following options or choose from Favourites.
Manager: Are you mocking me??? Are YOU??? *storms out of office*
A015: Thank you for shopping at Tesco, please come again.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Nokia Update Version 3.0

1. Batmin is fantastic especially when spelled and pronounced like that. The joker is just too slick of a criminal, like talk about glorifying crime!!

2. The people of Limerick who have received the flash floods are the victims of a plague from god! Bad things happen to bad people.( I guarantee you such things will be found in the sunday mirror and the star.) I should probably point out that this is satirical so I dont end up in a ditch in the mountains somewhere.

3. I have recently started collecting other peoples music on my phone via the beautiful but strangly named bluetooth technology. Its sort of an enlightening experience in that I end up listening to things I usually wouldnt listen to. I was going to ask random people on the street but I thought against it in the end, Who knows what emo crap you could get these days.

4. By the way everybody our friend Mark Ronson, you know "black and gold black and..incessant repeating of black and gold" actually didnt write the song beacues in fact its a hit from the 80's. I just have to take him down a notch the cocky white suit stealing bastard.

5. Dad: Go over and ask Denise does she want a go of your drums.
Me: What?? you want me to ask your friends middle aged wife who I dont know does she want a go of my drums?"
Dad: Yeah? Why? is that weird or something?

6. Mistress mable!! mistress mable SHUTUP!!! Shit song and its just a copy and paste riff of the kooks. Damn you copycat shitness.

7. The difference between a radio frequency of twenty is incredible. On rte 1 you get shitty old men talking about plants and how weve never had it so good you damn rapscallions and such things, while on Rte 2 ur gettn funky beats, pop singalongs and half decent presenters who actually dont make you want to sleep.

8. Thanks to fiona lack of caravan! only joking!!

9. I dont usually do this but this time its neccesary. I am just so deadly whopper bhoyz shmad out of it.