The Dangers of the modern newspaper boy..and BELGIUM LESBIANS!

Its true I did consider as taking the belgium lesbians as the picture for this one but you know...tastefulness and all that

1. The men and women who sell newspapers on your local motorways put their life at risk everday. The DANGER of walking up and down between angry motorists all day, think about it they are heroes. They must be pretty slick, "hey babe I work on the side of a motorway...i know sometimes I do get scared...I think you and me should go make the headlines" You just know thats what they do after work.

2. To continue on the subject of those who sell papers, they must be geniuses with super current up to date knowledge as they spend their life with papers in their hand. Its time we rerouted the knowledge economy, it is time for the rising of the NEWS VENDORS!!!! well actually they are all usually foreign and cant even read the paper so my theory may have a few flaws.

3. Something else really getting on my nerves lately is the fact that rappers cannot shut the fuck up!! Once they have rapped their little bit, instead of letting the singer get on with it they are

throwing uin "uhs, yeahs, whats, okays" at any given time.

4. Me getting on bus: Hey can I have a student return ticket please?

Bus Eireann driver: Student ID?

Me: Its right there.

Driver: Theres actually no student fare.

ME: hold on *takes out offer detailing student fares.

Driver: Machine is broke.

Me: Prick(whispered)..whatever

Bus Eireann you have finally crossed the line. Just you wait until I make a remake of the film Speed but for real with a bus full of your drivers and directors just you wait...

5. Lately I have been having some pretty disturbing thought processes. I need to clarify before I start that I didnt and wouldnt do any of them and secondly I have common sense.

(a) Sitting on the bus on the way home beside a typical office working 30 or so woman I began to think hmm I could just slap her iif I wanted to. She wasnt annoying me or anything. I thought yeah I could just raise my hand and slap her one. I thought about it for a second and then stopped and realised what I had just considered. Scary though.

(b) In Cineworld on the top floor I considered the idea of jumping over the railing to the bottom floor. Not in a suicidal way just thinkning that the only thing actually stopping me was a tiny part of brain called common sense. It was a scary thought, what would happen if one day I just didnt consider it.

Anyway the point of this is that spending too much time commuting on your own makes you way too introspective and probably would drive you insane.

6. IMPORTANT IRISH VERB(never thought id write that): Ag Sioba= drifting. Oh yes! Chuamar go dti ag sioba. Buachailli!!!!

7. I now unfortunately consider myself a Halo nerd. I came third in a couple of deathmatches in college against proper halo nerds so...

8. Liking the Ting Tings is shameful but they are just so damn funky.

9. This blog is very serious....PENIS!!

10. Pot Luck is a savage film. However UCD French teachers dont know how to market it right to students. "oh you should come along it will improve your french" Cue the empty lecture hall. What they should have said "cmon its a film about an uptight student taking up smoking pot and has Belgium Lesbians." That is how you market a film baby!

Jtown moments that are now to be cemented into Internet immortality!!

I usually dont have the title of the blog befor I write it but this was an exception and so you are guarenteed that this post will be off the wall!! (see what i did with the pun on wall there eh eh?
were gonna kick it off in chronological order but I imagine that will have been lost by number two or three. Not that anyone will really notice...anyway on with the blog!!

1. Me skating round the estate extremly fast on his skateboard with his jacket blowing behind him trying to get the attention of Bryan and farrell.

2. This happened the first time sean and I ever met
Sean: Hi my name is sean. What the crack man?
Karl: Hi im karl. im gay....
sean: oh....ok....

3. The first two xmas's we spent in the town of J it snowed, this lead to multiple events of hilarity.
A. Myself and Oisin ran around to Kellys and were throwing snowballs when in the distance we heard the annoying hum of Shanes moped."The smell of burberry is thick in the air" I said. We took our positions behind the wall,aimed and hit the guy on the front and the guy on the back of the moped with snowballs.Classic.
B. Bryan and Paul saw the little kids making their little snowman.They waited...they had all the time in the world. Then as the kids finshed it off and went inside for a minute they made their move. Paul smashing the head in of the snowman as if it was a scumbag followed by bman kickin the body of the snowman to a pulp. You dont mess with the Harris's.
C. The whole posse was having a snowball fight in my front garden when as always I went to far and got bryan in the face with an iceball. Bryan chased me down and after some skilful eeling by me he pushed me and i fell staright on my face. that particular fall went down in history.

4. The days of skating woodies with the big gaffer!!

5. Sean climbing the scaffolding at woodies and having to drop 14 feet only to sketch it.

6.The posse cycle myself oisin and bryan went on just after getting to know one another out to Jeffs house. Ah that was all haha yeah i dont know you guys but like this is cool.

7. Oisin being introduced by his mother like a kid who has no friends in a playschool. Im sorry ush that was just hurtful..

8. Bryans neighbour..what a dick!

9. Bushjumping in the dead of night from the back of the estate all the way out of the estate that was a gauntlet.

10.Me and Bryans epic 300 recreation using old crappy pearl cymbals. THIS IS JOHNSTOWN!! I was equipped with a filthy persian knife and a longbow...Bryan on the other hand had a baseball bat.So yeah I took some long range shots and got him nicely as well as epic blocking with his cymbal shield but in close quarters bryan just whacked me with the bat and that was me finished.

11. Urban destructo ball wth ush, always a luagh and always DESTRUCTIVE!!

12.Oisin nearly dying from malnutrition and over training..that was only really funny in retrospect..

13. doing seans homework in the scum mobile.Me and the sean just siting in the back of the scum mobile chatting and solving 2nd year maths equations.

14. The scum mobile coming out and hunting sean like some kind of stazi patrol vehicle. It would park on the green and dispatch an elite team of small children specially trained to hunt sean (i.e his brothers and sisters).

15. Me and bryan snook sean out of his when he was grounded with an ingenious plan.
Sean: This is ridicoulous, this will never work!
Karl and Bryan: Shut up and get in the whellbarrow of course it will work.
We then put our jackets over sean in the wheelbarrow and rolled sean down the street whistling as if whistling made it less obvious.

16. Bin of wonder!! Leaving oisin at someones door in a wheelie bin only to ring the door bell and runaway. Up pops oisin at the persons door.!hilarious.

This could go on forever now that I think of it because there is 4 years worth of material..but we shall go to 25.

17. We have many accents over the years. I mean loads:
A. Engling: Oi mate bring the baas there oiiii!!
B. Scanger: Scarle' for ya chicken! douvi'
C. Deco: Ah yeah f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fine machine!
D. Unknown: down the stow oh yeah get some of that into yahhh up the yard!
E. Wigga: What you playin at fool?
F. Mc Hawking: gta 3 is like the sims to me, a real life simulator cos thats where id be

18. Singing and quoting flight of the conchords and mc hawking at any possible moment.

19. Bryan and oisin coming home from amazing holidays full of adventure...and then telling you nothing for months.

20. Sean: I had it out for ages.......big yellow gates.

21.Running up the matrix hill outside jtown gardens humming some generic stunt music.

22. Playing footy with the latvians and havin martin and janis destroy us everytime.

23. Janises going home party. Heart breaking and full of emotions but the best fun i think I have ever had. Running around tying people up in tissue paper,dancing in the kitchen, footy at like 3.am on the green waking up brenda donoghue.

24. 360 flipping the 3 set!!!!haha

25. Doing ridicoulously stupid things in centra is just part of how we spend time in jtown. Here are some examples:
A. Dancing in the aisles to the horrible choice of music that centra always have.
B. Getting free ice cream from seanie or getting anything free. Or in some cases just plain stealing like the pick and mix is just to easy.
C. Stealing cosmo and finding out that oisin is a Cosmo dick which in recent times has been proven time and time again.
D. Playing with the toys they have in there, that was classic.
E. In the early days buying callipos and chilling in front f centra on their tables with tim buying us loads of free shit.
F. My favourite centra moment though was when me an oisin got on my gas mask and pumkin head mask and went in and scared the shit out of time. He nearly pressed the panic button when he saw us.

26. Being uber schmad in Seans, just like the english accent thing does this make us actually mad now?

Good Times!!

One liners, Tv liscences and as always commuting!

Commuters out there, you all need to take a crash course in logic!

1. The luas, for the record, is not actually a record breaking attempt to see how many people you can squash into a confined area. I felt that I actually had to clarify this after my recent experience. "oh look theres hardly any room on that luas..ah sure i could fit in there". When people are oiling themselves up to try and slip onto the luas you know its too packed, just get the next one!!

2.College basketball is as hard as they make it look in all great American Films.

3. I'd love to meet the T.V liscence inspector and try and think of an excuse he hasnt heard. It Would be epic, Karl Vs. Faceless Government inspector on top of mount vesuvious. I would battle him with ridicoulous excuses such as "I had one but then i shoved it up the last inspectors hole!!". Then we would battle with those gladiator poles over the volcanoe...These are just things I think of when I hear that ad.

4. Fanta Exotic is like travelling to a tropical island in your mouth...but then you get to the end of it and see the chemical scum on the bottom of the bottle, so its more like going to a tropical island where chemical waste is dumped...Still damn tasty though.

5. some girl in college said I sound american. Geez guys I dont sound like totally American do I?

6. I have now compiled a Kidnapping list (with the help of ash). Below is that list with the reason for kidnapping:

1. Rise against: Damn their infectious anger punk is just handy to have whenever you want it.

2. Horatio Caines Glasses: In an ideal situation I would kidnap Horatio himself but then i thought for a second and realised that he would just arrest with me with a slick line and id never get away with it.

3. Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley: For interesting mudfights and extravagant entrys to parties with them on both arms. ( in fairness to ash she had nothing to do with this one).

4. Flight of the conchords: Imagine instant humour, they make it a possibility.

7. One of my most recent and favourite country type one liners I thought of is: "Just like Ruby Walsh, I dont ride losers!"

8. My phone broke while writing this blog. Why does every techonological thing I touch just break? I am like a human computer virus.

Debs,college and pop culture!

Im just going to mention at the start of this that im very tired as I was at the debs last night so some, if not all, of this may make no sense.

1. The debs is kinda like a 1970's glam rock band. Very shiny and fancy on the outside, but inside theres just way too much drink and drugs.

2. DCU is a concrete metropolis. It is the opposite to grassy UCD in this way. The nurses building needs to get new doors though cause god damn it it is annoying to try and fit 30 people through a revolving door quickly.

3. Club "rapture" in Enfield is a small hip new nightclub attached to the hamlet court hotel. The strange thing is the place is quite cool and the lighting effects kick ass but then you remember you are in Enfiled. Like what is is doing there? I can imagine old farmers poppin in after a hard days labour to let loose, breaking it down in their magee tweed jackets and caps knocking back the baby guinness.Ahhhh yeahhh!!!

4. "Chris brown chhris brown chris brown, i am ,i am, chris brown. Love me like I love you baby girl yeeeeeaaahhh no yeah no yeah no" Thats pretty much the lyrics to any chris brown song.Repetitive lyrics about a girl with a couple of fancy high notes to get the ladies.Him and that neyo chap should just be locked in a warehouse and left to battle to the death with only over the top dance moves and repitive lyrics.

5. A new thing I have discovered now in college life is of course the having to make new friends part. Its great!! But what I find really funny about it all is that after talking for a while with a new friend there is always a period of awkward silence. Its like hmm what do we talk about next? But maybe if I bring topic cards that wouldnt happen...hmmm...

6. Its gotten to that time of year yet again. When you leave your hands exposed out of your pocket or sleeve for even a minute they are fuckin freezin! That tyoe of arthritis freeze where you cant move your hands properly and playing playstation becomes impossible.

7. Pouring hot water on ridicously cold hands just means you cant feel it burning you, its not helping!!

8.standing on the luas is by far one of the most difficult things to do without looking like a retard. Every time it stops, BAM you get jerked into the window or just kinda fall on someone. Then youve got them revoliving pieces which I reckon the engineers put in just to put you off balance and again cause you to look idiotic!

9. We must come to the conclusion that some engineers are just sadists.

10. again I want to stress my love for the metro. Its provsion of free entertainment and excellent random facts means that even you can impress the taxi manby telling HIM shit he didnt know.

I wish the word quavers still only meant crisps to me...

Man learning drums actually is a bitch, playing by ear is so much easier thean counting your bars and beats and crotchets and quavers and...oh gawd...

1. Wales is essentially Ireland. Think about it...its got crappy uphill twisty roads, lots of greenery but nothing to actually do. The only difference is that everyone has a picture of christian bale in their wallet in a heart shape frame and loves randonmly screaming CYMRU!!! Also when it rains it rains in biblical proportions.

2. Irelands rain is very confused. Kind of like a gay man who crossdresses..like are you a "woman" who likes men or are you just a man liking men??..light rain...ohhh heavy flooding rain...ohh sunny ah we got you not really its still drizzling.Damn rain.

3. I need a really good salesman to sell me the idea that commuting for 2 hours to dcu every day is going to be a good idea..well any salesmen willing to take up the challenge? Note: I will only accept offers from salesmen dressed in cheap tweed jackets with a smoking pipe in their massive white teeth (like in the movies!!)

4. I think ill get myself a cageman hairstyle cos as we all know the mullet thats hasnt been washed in a while is now back in fashion.

5. If you want a uniform for your son or daughter please dont come in on the day before school starts at closing time and the give out to me because inevtiably I will suddenly run out of your childs size.

6. Laptop advice: Never ask for any!

7. Subways new deal is the subcard.Very glossy and a nice wallet filler certainly. To get a free sub you must have 1000 points.Every euro is 10 points (ok here comes the technical part) now 1000 divided by 10 is 100. so thats 100 euro for a free sub. now 100 euro worth o sub is roughly 14 footlong subs. Now that is twice my height in subs and two days work...at that stage i dont think id want a sub....damn that was some calculations i think a need a suub..

8. The Hss stena line sure is a motherflipin testosterone fueled manyl shop of death. However the "lynx"while doing an impressive 38 knoths per hour is also impressivey gay. Oh llok at me im the stenal lynx im so small and so gay, i Just love having all these sailors on me at the one time. It was that gay that I had to christen it... FAGGOT SHIP!

9. Crunch fitness is by far th mot over the top place I have ever been in. I mean dico balls over the treadmill?like ok the moonwalk is a dance and exercise but.. ah who am i kidding its juts 'uckin ridicoulous.

10. I wish lemonade would be cheaper!

Journeys,smells,and good literature.

So here we go here we go now. Bringing it back in for a funky bumpy new edition. This shit is more respectable then Barrack Obama!

1. The "10 reasons to date a..*insert social group or sport*" things to need to get more inventive. They need to move away from the usual innuendos of "were used to scoring". So here we go:

10 reaosns builders are gay:

    1.They are used to holding big tools.

    2.so many tools are penis shaped. The jackhammer? the pneumatic drill? should i go on..

    3. They are used to being overly perverted. Such as feeling the need to read page 3 and then discard the paper. Reading nuts in the crane. We cant see you up there but we know you are..anyway this sprouts from a need to hide the fact they are actually gay!

    4. they work hard and they play hard.

    5. the point is lists, of these nature are shit and full of crap.. and ten is actually quite difficult!!

2. The journey to naas from the town of J is about 3km but it has the most diverse smellogphry the world has ever seen. Smellogrphy is like topogrophy but with smells. The word was neccesary ok!! Anyway in this 3km stretch there are four distinct smells. The first is not very noticeable its just one of those nice country air smells, quite pleasant.  Then we move in to the nasty smell of capitalism which is the concrete dankness of.. well yes the concrete factory. Followed swiftly by the smell of what can only be identified as raw sewage or cooking dog food which is more likely from the nearby dog food factory. Finally as you enter Naas you get a smokey nasty smell. Journeys to Naas therefore can be done blindfolded but I really wouldn't recommend it.

3. For some reason I sweat in the exact same place on my cycle to work. It doesn't matter what kind of weather it is, what clothes im wearing or what antiperspirant im wearing it just happens!! So to all you big shot antiperspirants out there who claim to stop such  events bring it on. Im the perfect test subject!

4. I'm sure the jamboree is good if your a scout but otherwise...

5.  Burning of the brands is a definate must read. Especially for all the little D4s who would die without their brands, this book will teach you to grow up and get a life.

6. Je pense que la television est mal pour la sante. Some things drilled into my head from the big LC will never leave.

7. Dreams of infidelity are quite interesting.

8. Again just to say that Bulmers advertising is amazing !!

9. Free "samples" of m and s white cookies..ohh you simple and naive bakers.."ill just have a little bit more, i'm still unsure" *said with mouthful of coookie*

One of the self service machines in Tesco keeps breaking down every time i' in the store. You would think they would fire it or call it in for a meeting at this stage:

manager: so A015 you have repeatedly refused to work each day this week whenever you saw fit. What should I do? huh?

A015: Please remove item from belt.

Manager: What?? Now you want me to do work for you? I'm going to have to choose from one of our disciplinary measures...

A015: Please select one of the following options or choose from Favourites.

Manager: Are you mocking me??? Are YOU??? *storms out of office*

A015: Thank you for shopping at Tesco, please come again.

Nokia Update Version 3.0

1. Batmin is fantastic especially when spelled and pronounced like that. The joker is just too slick of a criminal, like talk about glorifying crime!!

2. The people of Limerick who have received the flash floods are the victims of a plague from god! Bad things happen to bad people.( I guarantee you such things will be found in the sunday mirror and the star.) I should probably point out that this is satirical so I dont end up in a ditch in the mountains somewhere.

3. I have recently started collecting other peoples music on my phone via the beautiful but strangly named bluetooth technology. Its sort of an enlightening experience in that I end up listening to things I usually wouldnt listen to. I was going to ask random people on the street but I thought against it in the end, Who knows what emo crap you could get these days.

4. By the way everybody our friend Mark Ronson, you know "black and gold black and..incessant repeating of black and gold" actually didnt write the song beacues in fact its a hit from the 80's. I just have to take him down a notch the cocky white suit stealing bastard.

5. Dad: Go over and ask Denise does she want a go of your drums.
Me: What?? you want me to ask your friends middle aged wife who I dont know does she want a go of my drums?"
Dad: Yeah? Why? is that weird or something?

6. Mistress mable!! mistress mable SHUTUP!!! Shit song and its just a copy and paste riff of the kooks. Damn you copycat shitness.

7. The difference between a radio frequency of twenty is incredible. On rte 1 you get shitty old men talking about plants and how weve never had it so good you damn rapscallions and such things, while on Rte 2 ur gettn funky beats, pop singalongs and half decent presenters who actually dont make you want to sleep.

8. Thanks to fiona lack of caravan! only joking!!

9. I dont usually do this but this time its neccesary. I am just so deadly whopper bhoyz shmad out of it.